I've seen you cry

way too many times,
when you deserve to be alive..


I hope you are okay my love, it's killing me to know I can't be by your side, helping you get better. I think about you everyday! I just don't want to bombard you with questions, seeing if you are okay - I know that's not what you need right now. I hope you know I love you, and I'm only a phone call away if you need me.
♥♥

A few pages of my journal..

I can only show you the doodles I'm afraid :D

I'm very proud of this unicorn, although the scan doesn't do it any justice. A simple drawing, yet it means a lot to me. I don't often draw things like this.

I must stop listening to music, it's really making me an aggressive person - but disturbed are just so damn awesome, and right now I need to listen to them.

Oh and this.. a mixture of a skull and a tree..
Odd I know - but they were things I did during a meeting, so there was no method to the drawings, drawing them just kept me quiet :)

Why? Why do I keep on doing this?

I have to stop torturing myself with this.
I'm worth so much more than this!



I have talked to a few friends recently, and they keep asking me why I am constantly thinking so badly about myself (even more so lately).. To which I reply 'I can't help it,' - when one person that actually means something to me makes a harsh or bad comment, it sticks. Also I'm starting to believe that I have this stupid need to please people, and when I can't - I constantly battle to find out why I'm not making them happy the way I should. It's getting silly.
You aren't helping (may I just point that out)!
None of you or any of you. You are all just floating around getting on with your day to day lives, while I am left feeling like.. well, I don't know what. It's always good to know that when you feel down... actually I won't finish that sentence.. I think I'll leave it, you just figure it out and get back to me when YOU have the time, because obviously you have more important things to do right now.

GAH!!!! Dickheads!!!


Now it's pretty clear how much I use the word 'I' in my blogs, but at the moment I'm trying to self-assess myself, figure out why the past few weeks, even months have been so hard to deal with. So I don't really care! :D

I swallow my pride..

but I won't forget what I want.





It really is amazing how much music helps you get through certain points in life, and how much it helps you to realise that you can be strong. It is not a big deal if you are upset, but you can grown from it, and move on. I'll be stronger after this, and you know what.. I'd love to see you try and worm your way back now!
Good luck.

Turns out...

I know more about art than I thought, and my studio practise isn't failing as much as I said it was! I think rather than fail the assessment I may just about pass :) I'd like to hope for a 2:2... but we'll see how the documentation turns out.


In other news, I bought a new journal the other day, the pages are filling up quickly. The jottings and doodles are crazy, I feel so content when I'm writing in it, but then someone will talk to me and that contentment is lost. My mind just isn't where I want it to be right now, I need to get back into a better frame of mind! Oh, and I can't stop listening to Disturbed right now, which doesn't help the frame of mind at all! I think I'll scan a few of the journal pages in and show you what's going on in this whirlpool of a mind.

This work

will kill me..

Sat in the library trying to bash out something that sounds like I know how to talk about contemporary art, when really I can't even string a sentence out about normal everyday things.. My words are shite, utter, utter shite! Dear lord I'll fail this assessment again!

It's like..

one of those bad dreams,
where you can't wake up.


oh... PS.. It's so damn cold in my room, I can't go anywhere without being wrapped up in my blanket. Although to be fair, we have hot water again, so I guess that's going to make up for it a little, I do love a nice hot shower - but coming back into this room afterwards is the part I'm dreading!