If only...

I'd read the books that other kids did, maybe it would have given me the correct vocabulary and writing abilities that they all seemed to have. If only I'd learnt to appreciate myself for who I am, rather than forever hate myself, forever put myself down. Maybe then would I be able to write my careers assignments.
I cannot bring myself to write my positives.
I don't see what I have that a potential employer would want from me.

I'm pretty sure I'm pissing everyone off by getting so pissed off at something that, to them is something so simple. I can see that they're just getting annoyed with me, at my constant complaints about not being able to write 2/3 sentences on myself. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm finding this so difficult - I wish I didn't, but I guess that's what happens when you hide behind false smiles for the entirety of your childhood.
I'm aware that I'm 20, almost 21 years old, and should have been able to get over past events; but I haven't okay. Judge me all you want - I get it.

Please just try to see it from my perspective.

It's like....

dropping your most treasured item out into the sea.
From this single action you ruthlessly bestow upon yourself the blame.
You regret everything you didn't do..


and you think to yourself that..






you could have saved it.♥

Dear Lord.

Why can't things ever be simple.
Life is currently a revolving door - one of which keeps slapping me in the face.

Here's me writing down the things I really should stand up and say.
I'll simply write person 1, person 2 etc.
Person 1:
'Say you want to stay, you want me too, say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me. I want to know I belong to you. Say you'll haunt me.' ♥

Person 2:
Sort yourself out!
I'm not going to be there every time something goes wrong in your life, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to just walk away next time! Things are getting harder for me, and I need time to sort myself out, get my head straight. It's nothing you've done wrong, it's just there's only so much I can take. I've got to give myself some time, for all the things I've had to deal with. Please just understand, I can't always be there for you.

Person 3:
I'm lost. At an end.
I'm pretty sure I'm about ready to give up, not just on my course, my uni life... but myself as well. It's like I've lost the light in my life that I'd only just got back. I thought I was doing well, I really did. I seems my heart feels otherwise. I just don't see the point anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that, I think I need your help. I'm slipping away, and I don't think I've got enough to hold on to.


Gosh, I could write to everyone on here.

Beethoven. ♥

Recently I've needed music to fall asleep to; so I have put together a play list for myself. At the moment it mainly consists of; Beethoven, Pachelbel, Dear John soundtrack, Adele, Newton Faulkner, Norah Jones, Maroon 5 and a few others. I do believe it's an hour long, which to be honest is too long - I've been listening to the Dear John soundtrack (a lot!) and I fall asleep by the 4Th song; terrible really.

I have so much that I want to say, but I can't seem to write the words down... Not quite sure why though, as I usually have no problem with writing my feelings and stuff on this blog. I'm starting to hide again. I don't know if that's a good idea, but for some reason I can't help it. Pretty sure that someone will comment on it, no one leaves me to sort myself out these days, which I don't have a problem with. It's just there are times when saying nothing (for me at least) is the best thing to do.


Just so you know, you're breaking me.
Slowly, but surely you're tearing me apart.

Old music.

It surprised me when I came across this song, I've just put a vast amount of my old music onto my Ipod. This song is old, and I haven't listened to McFly since year 12, so that makes it 3 years old?
Oh my.



P.s: I'm not an idiot, please stop laughing at me behind my back, man up - laugh at me to my face. Then you'll see how little you actually mean to me.

Surprise.

I don't want to fall...

if there's no one to catch me. ♥


Certain songs are really getting to my heart. I am starting to wonder why? There isn't a clear answer why they should be effecting me like this, but they are. Goddamn.

I am in love with this song.

My goodness.
This song is beautiful, and I do believe Adele's voice is truly amazing, also she happens to be a pretty awesome songwriter. These lyrics are beautiful.