Self pity is a sin.

"Young and Hopeless."

A sentence that I seem to be living by.
I've started to create a persona for myself...

Useless, art student..
No creativity, lacksing inspiration.
Low self esteem, lacking confidence.
Bad dress sense.
Crap music taste.

This needs to change.. But I can't seem to stop myself from thinking that I am all of the above, no matter how people tell me otherwise. It seems that once you've built up these ideas in your mind, and have done so for a good few years, they stick. You start to live by them, they rule you. It's very hard to break the boundaries that you've set yourself. I for one hate the confidence issues that I have, they stop me from doingn so much with life. I'm sure that maybe i'd have turned out better if i'd just taken that one big step, made a stand, stood out just a little bit. So.. what to do about it. WAKE UP! Stop being such a dickk!
Come on, stop talking about yourself, get rid of the self pity and DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! I have to grow up.

Lyrics.. They are makig me stronger.
God Bless H.I.M
Without them, i'd be nothing right now.

I wish that one day I could meet them, just to tell them what an inspiration they are to me, and how they have helped me pick myself up. Goshhh i'd like to seem them in person. Ville Valo especially! :D Meh.. Also, just a quick thank you to the few friends that keep me going, they don't know it, but they give me the few words that I need to keep up with what i'm doing.
.x.

Ville Valo.

Currently I am sat on a collection of one pence and two pence coins, with the odd five pence piece thrown in for good measure, a collection that has been growing ever since I started back at uni this term. I'm sure there is no more than a pounds worth in there...
Anyway.

I'm listening to a plethera of lovesongs by the band H.I.M, a band I spend most of my days and nights listening to. Plus I must metion that Ville Valo is the reason for a number of obessions I seem to have with the band...

"In six hundred and sixty six ways I love you."

He voice is beautiful.
I often find myself falling asleep to it. The lyrics, so meaningful.
I envy the talent that he possesses. Both in writing and singing.
An artist.

Anyways.. I'm going to see them in March, which is amazing. I'll have my two favourite men in one room! It's hard not to show the excitement that I have bottled up inside. I've heard that they are amazing live, and i'll be able to experiance this myself!!! :)

But. The reason for this blog. Is pretty much that there is no reason, although I read an artical in Kerrang! about Ville Valo and I just wanted to share my love for the band, especially their lead singer :D I will meet him one day, just to tell him how highly i reguard him as an artist, a poet and a genius.

<3

Today...

Today, so far has been horrid.

I'm knackered because I spent too much time worrying about my essay which was finished, but I didn't really think I'd done a good enough job of it. Also I've been watching True Blood till the early hours of the morning, which even though is fun, is destroying me.

I've lost my appetite.
I eat 2/3 pieces of toast and that is it.
I wish i knew why.

They put me on a list.
I now am classed as someone that needs extra help.
My god! That is degrading!

I can't seem to feel good enough.
For anything...
Art, Joe, my family.
Gosh I hope I'm not letting them down.
I think i'll just curl up and sleep for the rest of my life, it seems like the only time that I don't feel shit is when I am alseep. Although my dreams have suddenly become more.. twisted? Well that's kind of the word.. I am starting to think I may need to try some calming tablets again. God I thought I'd ever need those again!

Ahhh well.
Tomorrow is another day.

Does it make me a bad person if...

i can't listen to people talk about a death of a person, be it a family member, close friend or pet.. ?

I've discovered that I'm at a loss.
I can't feel sorry for people, the sympathy is gone.
In fact i kind of laugh.

I think that makes me a bit rude.

I just can't see past my own sadness to be honest, selfish as is sounds. I've dealt with within 19 years of life 4 deaths, 2 of which happened within 2008. My grandad died of natural causes when i was at the young age of 8, Wilson my friend i lost at the age of eleven to suicide, too young for suicide to be honest. Then 2008 took away Aaron, a friend, the kindest, most amazing person anyone could meet, and my nan, which was hardest as it was a slow process.

I just want to write my nans story, as i think people will then understand my bitterness towards other peoples stories.

She had a stroke, this caused a coma, and a brain hemorrhage. I think she was in hospital for a week before she died. I was with her most days, bar the last two days when i wasn't allowed, my parents didn't want me to see her deteriorate, i can understand this but wish i was there with her. The hardest part of an event like this, is watching your family melt down, your dad who you hold high, crumbling with sadness, so distraught as his mother is slowly fading. It was the slowest most painful week of my life.
As i held her hand, talking quietly to her i thought about all the memories, and the fact that I'd said I'd be going to visit her the day after she slipped into the coma, i will always feel slightly like i have let her down.

Anyway.
These events have left me slightly bitter and cold towards the whole "death" topic, i refuse to feel sympathy, because i want people to know how it feels to loose someone. I was treated quite rudely by a tutor when my nan was dying, and it has left me like this.

Sometimes i feel for people.
I do, honestly.
But don't expect a whole lot.
It is hard.
I'm still getting over 2008, hoping 2010 will be the year i learn to move on, learn to cope. And release my sadness in a more useful way.

Does this make me a bad person?

2010.

The new year is here again.
Mind you I did have a good celebration this year; family, friends and the boyfriend. So overall fun was had, and I would like to think that fun will be had through out this year.

Aims for the new year:
1) Put much more effort into my degree, even if it is only the first year, even if I only need 40%, I know that I can do so much better than that! SELF MOTIVATION!

2) Take more photographs - Make more memories.
Just a general, get out, do more and have fun. I realise have cooped myself up in this room inn halls for too much of the term time, I want to go out, meet people, do life drawing on a tuesday. Gosh, there is so much out there, and i sit inside all the time. This MUST change.

3) I would like to get a tattoo. I've had an idea in my mind for around a year, and i'm still really keen to get it, so i think this year should mean i get it. I want to try new things, get more piercings aswell!

and finally 4) My family. I need to make more time for them, make it clear that i will be there for them whatever happens to us. I think this is the right rame of mind to take, i can't really afford to break down, just becuase this scares me. I will be strong, and i will help out.

This year means big things for me, I don't want to miss out, or wish that i'd gone and done some thing. BRING ON 2010!!
x