I can't sleep without this song.

It really is my lullaby.
Well, to be honest. I cannot fall asleep without hearing the Dear John soundtrack, sad I know. Still, what ever it does for everyone else, it's doing the job for me.

Meet Charlie...

A queen's guard.
And I made him speak!
Well. If I'm honest he didn't tell me his name was Charlie, I made that up for him. Also he barely spoke, he was just telling me that his gun wasn't in fact 'a big cool gun' it was a 'rifle.' I found this rather amusing, especially as the guards are not meant to talk. Made my day!
London was lovely.
The galleries were great.
I loved seeing Buckingham Palace.
I even got great family news.



Makes me wonder when things are going to get bad again?
I hope I get a few days on this happy, God knows I need it - and I'll do anything to make things work out for the best. Please give me a chance?

I can't go on...

living this way.


Things need to change, I know I keep saying this, but today I have had a realisation. I need to change things, because as they stand at the moment - I'm not doing very well, and I don't want to carry on this way at all! I can and will make more of an effort.
Oh, and I do my music needs to change as well, because if I'm honest I think it's only making matters worse. I've been listening to all the wrong things, all the wrong lyrics are floating around in my head. Music is a powerful thing, and it can really touch a person - but right now it's hitting me in all the wrong places.

Help?
I need some strength and I don't know where to get it.

It never comes out right.

'Is it true what they say you won't give it away?
And I don't know what to do to get next to you, next to you.
Every night, every day you just push me away.
Tell me what should I do to get next to you, next to you?'


I'm lost, at a block.
I'm seriously worried about it because I'm not too sure what to do and where to go from here. I've got no one to really talk to about this stuff, and my journal is taking a bit of a bashing. Which reminds me, I think it's time I uploaded some of the drawings from it up on to here.

I need a cuddle.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Can't you just tell me that I'm all you think about? That I'm all you want. I know you won't, and it's killing me - maybe I need this, I'll get over you in time.

Dear God,

make me a bird, so I can fly far, far far away from here. ♥


I'm always moaning in these blogs, but if I'm honest it seems to be the only place I can put the words to the messed up feelings floating in my head.

Today was lovely, Natalie came to Reading for a little girly time, and it was good fun, great to see her again. We went to a photo booth and got some rather hilarious pictures done of each other, just like the old days. It actually felt like being back in sixth form again - just chilling, having a laugh and not worrying about anything. I've missed those days, just Natalie and myself having the time of our lives doing the silliest of things - growing up sucks!

I've been thinking to myself, and if I'm honest (I won't mention names) but, it seems I'm starting to figure out what's going on. It's like I'm nothing to you, well more like I'm just another conquest, just someone to add to your list of so many others. I probably never meant anything to you.... and if I did, I think maybe you should be a man, grow a pair and come and tell me to my face. It's the only way I'll believe I ever meant anything to you at all. Is that too much to ask? Am I not worth that at least? Well, if I was all the things you said I was - you'd make the effort, I guess we'll just wait and see.



'This was something I couldn't have, that just made me want it more.'

Hesitate ♥

'You were my fire, so I burned... til' there was nothing left of me,
I... I touched your face, I held you close... til' I could barely breathe,
Why give me hope, then give me up... just to be the death of me.
Save the rest of me...
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away,
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate,
Now... now and then, you come around, like there's something left for me.
We were one... we were everything.
I'm still here... but I'll just keep the rest for me,
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away.
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate.
We never made it... you hesitated... I don't believe,
That I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away.
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate,
Cuz I see you, but I can't feel you anymore - so go away.
I need you, but I can't need you anymore - you hesitate - hesitate.
You were my fire, so I burned... now there's nothing left of>me... '

This has to be my favourite song at the moment, I honestly can't stop listening to it, so I've got the album on repeat. It's keeping me calm, becuse I've been given some upsetting news this weekend that has really shocked me, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it. Apart from my family there is one other person who knows about the situation, and I think I'd like it to stay this way for a while. If I'm completely honest, I'm fed up of life smacking me in the face, it's been one thing after the other since 2008. I guess that's all part of growing up, but I am honestly shocked at the amount of crap that life has in store for me. If it wasn't bad enough with family stuff, the one good thing I thought was about to happen isn't going to... I don't think I mean enough for it to, which sucks. I wish I was given a chance to prove myself, which is silly because I've worn my heart on my sleeve for a while, and I'm about ready to give up. All I want is a little proof that I mean the same to you - is that too much to ask?? A text, a letter... even a facebook message!

'Open up your arms and save my life.'

♥ Why am I here again?

'Buried way beneath the sheets I think she's having a meltdown,
Finding it hard to fall asleep she won't let anyone help her,
The look on her face a waste of time she won't let go gonna roll the dice,
Loosing her grace starts to cry I feel her pain when I look in her eyes,
I want ta be I want everything, I want everything,
Somewhere she is on the streets trying to make things better,
Praying to God and breathing deep gotta break this long obsession.'

It's like

you're the swing set, and I'm the kid that falls.

It's strange to think that this week started in such a bad way, and now things are going quite well. I've achieved a few things that make me smile. I'm pretty sure things will be okay for a while, it would be nice to have just one week of happy so that I can get on with my art work in peace, there's only 4 weeks until my mock assessment, which is a scary thought, it'll be fine though as next week I shall be knuckling down!

Tuesday night I went out for an art night out witha few people on my course, we went to the Purple Turtle, then onto Sakura. It was lovely, and I hope we do a few more this term/year. Here's a little picture of us all in the Purtle just before we moved to Sakura...


It's Friday tomorrow, and I can't help but think that this weekend is going to be rubbish, well, I guess we'll see. It's Fiona's 21st birthday Party on Saturday, but I'll be going after the Jets game, which reminds me... Wednesdays game was amazing! :] But yeah, so this weekend, god only knows what's going on with my house, and what state it'll be in when I get there.



'I know I don't know you, but I want you... so bad.'

FUCK OFF.

Please leave me alone.

Do you really think I want to listen to you? I'm trying to deal with this on my own, and right now all you're doing is making me want to hide away. I'm aware that I may not be dealing with this very well - some may say I'm in a kind of self destruct mode right now, which is most likely true.

Let me deal with it my own way.
It may not be the best way to do so - but so what?

There are 2 people I'll accept help from, and right now they aren't in my reach. So for now I guess I'll just slowly disappear, fade away, dissolve, whatever it takes to feel better. Even a feeling of total numbness would be better than this.

Another blog.

I've let you destroy everything,
All that I am, all that I was,
Only the empty shell remains.
Another day passes,
Another part of me decays.


Oh, I've decided what I am expecting on Valentine's day.
I know I haven't got a boyfriend, I'm not hoping for one, and I expect this will still stand in 7 days time, but I have an idea in my head that I would like someone to fulfill - please.
A hand written letter.
That is all I ask of someone.
Something from the heart, personal, touching, that I can hold on to. I see films like Dear John, Letters to Juliet and also a friend of mine showed me some of the letters she received from her boyfriend at the time... All I think of when I see them is I wish I had someone to write to me like that, they need not say anything amazing or well thought out. Even if it was something really simple.

'You are everything.'

'Not a minute goes by when I don't imagine your smile.'

Lyrics even? Oh I don't know, it's a very personal thing to do. A lost art in today's society, or so it seems. No one seems to do this anymore, and I cannot understand why? It's the best feeling to receive a letter that isn't a bill. Especially a hand written letter. To me a hand written letter is the best way to show someone you care, that you've taken the time to tell them a little something.

I don't think people do this anymore, and I'd love to be proved wrong.

Disturbed ♥

Yeah, you've created a rift within me,
Now there have been several complications,
That have left me feeling nothing.
I might say, you were wrong to take it from me,
Left me feeling nothing.

I can feel you ripping and tearing,
Feeding and growing inside of me,
Ripping and tearing and,
Feeding and growing inside of me.
I want this, more than you know,
I need this, give it back to me.

making the most.

I love this song.
I'd also forgotten how much I love Dommin.