Rah Rah Rah!

Can I take you back?

I'm not sure what you're expecting of me now, I scare easily; and what you've done had shocked me to the point of not being able to look at your photograph. Supportive friends have told me I'm doing the right thing in staying away, and yet I think of you all the time.. Am I making a mistake in wanting to run back into your arms? Should I take the advice I've been given and leave?
I don't know what to do now!

This past week has been such a roller coster ride, in and out of hospital to see dad, witnessing major arguments, trying to brave work and putting on a brave face for friends and my family. I can't deal with you and them at this time! Is that so selfish of me? I don't know where to put myself right now, maybe I'll just curl up in my bed and watch Disney films.

(Anyway) on a lighter note, I've lost another pound and a half in weight making my total loss 4lbs! :) I'm hoping that I'll continue to loose weight till I get to at least my 10% goal. Oh, and currently I'm watching 'Flushed Away' I do love this film, it's keeping me relatively happy.

:(

There are so many questions I fear will never be answered in my lifetime.

People often say 'things in life are sent to test you,' and to be honest, that statement has never really meant much to me - until recently. There is a long list if events that I could real off on this site, boring you to your wits end, but I'll desist.

It is truly unbelievable how much people will go through in such a short span of their life time, and those few people that are strong enough to deal inspire me. As for the few that can't, such as myself (who is currently battling with a struggle to keep myself together) during harder days, I sympathise completely.

It is selfish of me to ask why this is happening to me, as there ARE people MUCH MUCH worse of than me, but I ask this:
Why then is it that I have been tested in so many ways this past week and a half?
Why do my family constantly seem to be struggling to get by?
When will we be receiving some good fortune?

I'll end this here, otherwise I fear I'll rant on, getting more and more upset, but I will ask that God, Allah, whoever is watching over the human race, please watch over my dad, keep him strong. Also give my family and myself the strength to help him, and ourselves to cope and move on from recent events. I may not be as religious as I once was, but I need your help now, more so than ever.

Please..

Lyrics do this better than I ever could.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice,
When I'm not around.
You're so f*cking special,
I wish I was special.

♥♥

fuck.

fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
Why the HELL does this always happen just as things are going well??? I really hate this world, and God or who ever is fucking about with the people can FUCK THE HELL OFF!

good times.

I had my weigh in today...
I've lost 2 and a half pounds.


Not much but a start! :)
Woop.

blahblahblah.

I know I'd posted that I'd put my before picture here of my eventual weight loss.. but I'm not 100% happy with doing so. I'd like to put it on here with an after photo, I think that would make me much happier, I have however, put a copy of it in my weight watchers booklet - just to keep me motivated.
Along with loosing weight comes the task of doing more exercise, and I am yet to make this a bigger part of my life, so starting today I am going out for at least an hour walk, and maybe later a jog. I'd like to say that I'll go for a jog when I wake up in the mornings, but I highly doubt I will.
This IS something about myself I am going to work on changing, because I often rant on about people that moan about their size and sit and do nothing about it, and it's quite hypocritical of me.

On another note, over the next week I intend to draw/paint/sketch till the cows come home! I've printed out my references to draw from and now I'm going to make a start, so soon I'll post some images up on here so you can see..

Off to draw..
I'll blag again later..

measuring tape please...

My measurements (in inches) are as follows:
Bust: 40 FAT
Waist: 32.5 FAT
Hips: 40.3 FAT
Arm: 12.6 FAT
Thigh: 23.2 FAT
Calf: 14.5 FAT


I'm starting to see how much food I ate before, especially now my food is restricted. I'm understanding that you don't need food, and sometimes I'm not even hungry I'm just thirsty! It's all coming together nicely...
Only time will tell.

Week 1.

The meeting this morning wasn't too bad actually, I must admit that I'm not happy she told people my weight, or openly spoke about it, although I guess that's something I'll just have to face with going to meetings.
Anyway...
I'll post measurements and my before photo this evening.





*Do you know who you are?
You're my shooting star..*

And so...

tomorrow it begins.

I'm off to weightwatchers tomorrow morning.. I will be transforming my self into a happier and healthier person, so from this:



To something more along the lines of this:


Tomorrow I shall blog the exact analysis of my weight and body problems so that I can log how well I'm doing, hopefully by Christmas I will be happier and down a clothes size.. we shall see!

i've noticed...

how different we are.....
We are worlds apart.


I'm sure this will become apparent to you soon enough, and I'll be there to say I told you so. It won't be nice at all, but when it happens, we'll both be at peace. It's a shame, we've been so great together, and it will truly ruin me, but it'll be for the best I'm sure.


"Let the pleasure in the shape of a heart lie to me
And finally confirm all fears to be so real."

Today..

a large balloon arrived for me in the post.
Reminding me that tomorrow, I'll be 20.
Not impressed, it's come around so quickly.
-> Maybe if I just sleep all day I won't get any older??




Gah! Any way, I'm off to wycombe in a little while, with the boyfriend! :D
I'm looking to buy a skirt, a black top and a skull scarf.

Jelous much?

She's so pretty, so creative, so talented....
Gahhh this isn't fair, I have to work so f*cking hard to be good at half the things she is! :(

It's August.

Gosh, this year is going by so quickly.

York was lovely most of the time, although I am glad to be home with my sister. I did miss her an awful lot, I don't think she knows... It was a week spent with Joe's family which isn't a problem normally, I just feel slightly distant from them - out of place maybe?? I can't really explain it without sounding rude or making no sense at all...

Currently:-> I'm sat in my room listening to Dommin, which I've missed!
-> I've paid this months rent, just waiting for the other student documents to be done! Although it's not me who's behind... It's really stressing me!
-> My scaffolding piercing has flared up, and maybe become infected.. JOY! I'm not impressed and I am caring for it 24-7.
-> I've got to step up on my drawing and painting! My skills are lacking...



P.s: It's my birthday on Wednesday, I'll be 20. I'm not really looking forward to it, but still. Oh! I'm now working that day as well..