I found this picture.

from the game against Bracknell on Saturday...
(which we won :) 6-3)
If you look within the lovely red square I've added to the photo, you'll see me and Sam looking rather shocked. This was the exact moment when our dearest Joe Greener was so brutally tripped over and in turn flipped over onto the ice. I actually cannot believe that the photographer managed to capture this moment! Although to be honest, this has made my evening! Just look at how wide are mouths are!



Anyways, I've got a busy week next week, so I'm off to bed.
G'night x

It's odd really...

For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling content.
I'm currently sat on the floor in my bedroom at home (Hedgerley home, not Reading home) listening to the Dear John soundtrack, I also have to my right a large Starbucks mocha, and I'm about to start doodling. Oh, and the Jets beat Bracknell 6-3 this evening, which was lovely.

Today has gone well, and I think I'd like things to stay like this. After talking to Nats all afternoon I have realised a few things, and all the stressing and worrying I've been doing is stupid. So, from now on I'm not going to bother worrying... well, I'm going to try. I figure that if I'm getting stressed - I'll shove this album on and draw myself into contentment.

Oh, and just so EVERYONE is aware, I'm blocking out all the people that I can't be bothered with, because you are all causing me far to much hassle, and I don't need it. Especially with uni and family stuff... so deal with it, because NO I don't care if it offends or upsets you, and NO I don't want to change how I am just to please you. Why should I?? This would make me someone that I swore I'd never be, so like me as I am or f*ck off!

Thursday's are getting better.

I love it when I go into my studio space on a Thursday morning, annoyed and dreading my tutorial... to find this:


Really made me smile..
:)

I've been dealing with a lot of pent up rage, so today I decided to update my Ipod, and I've now got the amount of music up to 5.2 GB!! Which is quite good for me, as I'm pretty shitty when it comes to music. I've now got to sit and listen to the stuff though which is going to take a while... Bring it on!

I wonder...

when is it my turn to find out what it feels like to fall in love?
All I can remember is thinking, 'I want to be like them.'


Maybe my rant yesterday was completely out of jealousy? I can't help but think that I'm being stupid, and that this is simply some stupid or childish infatuation with romance. It's silly because I am almost convinced that romance is dead, and the literature that I read only spurs on my thoughts. Yet if this was in fact true, why then am I so obsessed with finding romance? It is not important, and there are a few things that should be taking priority - uni maybe? Gosh this is silly. The sooner I get over this, the better.

Oh, can I just say that Bruno Mars is a big fat liar! His song 'Just the Way You Are' is a load of bull crap, based on fairy tales, I'm pretty certain NO guy has ever sad anything like this to a woman... maybe in a Disney film?

Tonight...

I'm royally fucked off!
So therefore I feel a giant fuck off rant/blog is needed, oh and I intend to go on for a bit, so you may want to grab a drink and get comfy!


Okay, so it's all the couples. Romantic, loved up couples. You know the ones, all over each other - disturbingly all over each other. Gosh, I remember at school when people were far too shy to even hold hands with a boy or girl, almost like it was some kind of unknown thing to do. Well, I'm fed up of them. Maybe it's just because I'm single, or maybe I'm being harsh? But.. get the fuck away from me if all you're going to do is fondle with one another in front of me - kissing noises as well!! FUCKING kissing noises! I hate them, and while I'm out I don't want to be sat next to the constant smacking of lips... Thank you! Dear lord, what ever happened to privacy, and the sharing of intimate moments with a loved one in a place where you can be alone.. Relationships really don't mean anything anymore.
Where has the meaning gone in relationships? I mean when your intimacies were kept private, and were a moment that only the two of you knew about... not the entirety of a university students union, or village pub...! I'm honestly disgusted.

The other thing that's getting to me at the moment is the way people are treating me at the moment. I am not a doormat! I am not here to be used, and just for you to be kind to when YOU feel like it, especially when you're just going to fuck off somewhere else and ignore me! What is the point really? I understand I can be a little annoying, yes I get that more than you'll know... but I do have feelings you know! Surprisingly enough I am capable of feeling something, and to be honest what you've done has really hurt me. I know sometimes I'm too much, and I can be quite needy - but is this really reason enough to do what you've done? Am I worth that little to you?? Well thank you. You've really shown me how worthless I am, or how worthless I can feel. Jackass. One other thing, would people kindly stop ditching me... if you're going to make plans with me, then do them! Don't fucking leave it till 15 minutes before it to cancel for some shitty half-arsed reason! it's a pain and I hate it!

My god you people really know how to make a girl feel like complete and utter shit. I don't think there is anything happy to report this evening.
So - RANT OVER.

Gnarls Barkley's

Crazy - as covered by The Kooks, is really beautiful.
I love Luke Pritchard's voice in this cover, and the lyrics have always been a love of mine :) I have no problem with the original - don't get me wrong! It's just the acoustic sound is pretty.


'And I hope that you are having the time of your life,
But think twice, that's my only advice.
Come on now, who do you, who do you, who do you,
who do you think you are?
Ha ha ha bless your soul,
You really think you're in control.
Well, I think you're crazy,
I think you're crazy,
I think you're crazy,
Just like me.'

I love it.... It's quite bad really, I've not long downloaded The Kook's cover, but already I've listened to it a hell of a lot! Oh well... whatever keeps me smiling right now is all I care about.

Blink 182... long time no listen?

Cut the skin to the bone,
Fall asleep all alone,
Hear your voice in the dark,
Lose myself in your eyes,
Choke my voice Say goodnight,
as the world falls apart.
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go,
I need some more time to fix this.
Here's a letter for you,
But the words get confused,
And the conversation dies.
Apologize for the past,
Talk some shit take it back,
Are we cursed to this life?
Fuck I can't let this kill me, let go,
I need some more time to fix this problem,
I need some more time to fix this problem,
I need some more time to fix this.
I'm talking to the ceiling,
My life just lost all meaning.
Do one thing for me tonight,
I'm dying in this silence.
The last star left in heaven,
Is falling down to earth and,
Do you still feel the same way?
Do you still feel the same way?

It makes me sick to think I had such a big crush on Tom Delonge... I am actually quite embarrassed about that. Also I've never been the biggest Blink fan, but hey! It's never too late to listen to a band, and I'm quite late seeing as they were cool ages ago, and have broken up/reformed since! bad times.... My goodness would someone please teach me to like decent music?

Clearly...

I won't be getting over you that quickly.
But that's not to say I'm not trying to. God only knows that I'm doing my best to get you out of my mind - it's not that simple. I know you've given up on it, but for some reason - completely beyond my understanding, I'm fixed on you and I think I'm stuck on that feeling. I wish it was different - believe me I do.


'So if you hear this cry,
Show me a sign give me meaning.'


All I can do is say that I'm sorry.
Sorry x

♥ Enough please.

I cant live dreaming of a future alone,
hold tight please dont let the memory go.

I've tried so hard..

to say goodbye.



Goddamn!
Please make this end.

Maroon 5 - ♥

You build me up
You knock me down
Provoke a smile
And make me frown
You are the queen of runaround
You know it's true

You chew me up
And spit me out
Enjoy the taste
I leave in your mouth
You look at me
I look at you
Neither of us know what to do

Alter Bridge.

Sitting alone in the cold of the night,
You’re trying to find what you need to survive,
You're so afraid,
You can’t go on.
Left in the silence that tears at your heart,
It only reminds you how broken you are,
You lost your way,
But hope is not gone.

Cause the sun always sets,
The moon always falls,
It feels like the end,
Just pay no mind at all,
And keep rolling,
Rolling,
Life must go on,
It must go on.


I don't quite have the words right now, but I'm pretty sure there are a few songs that could tell my story. I've written letter after letter, just trying to put into words how I feel right now, but it's not coming out right. Why can't I sort myself out? How far will I go before I realise I'm hurting myself just a little bit? I only hope that things stop soon, otherwise I'll become everything I don't want to be, although people are starting to notice a change - I don't seem to care. I'm going to do this my way! Screw your opinions.

Coeur d’Alene.

When all the lights are faded,
The encore’s come and gone,
And I can’t take this no more,
Well I can’t keep pretending.
I just can’t play the part,
I need the solace of her shores.
Coeur d’Alene is calling out,
And it won’t be long,
Coeur d’Alene I’m coming now,
Will I still belong.
I look into the mirror,
I don’t know who I am.
A life so torn apart,
I still long for the simple,
I’m just a common man,
Ye with this aching heart.
Coeur d’Alene is calling out,
And it won’t be long,
Coeur d’Alene I’m coming now,
Will I still belong.
Safe at last in your arms,
I’m safe at last in your arms.

I've just watched...

I want to read the book.

I think it would be a good idea for me to start reading again, I can't wait to get lost in a fairytale, or in a story like 'My Sister's Keeper.' I think it's going to help with my sketching as well, I've been at a block for a while. Bring it on!

Lyricslyricslyrics.

And does it make you sad,
To find yourself alone,
And does it make you mad,
To find that I have grown.
I'll bet it hurts so bad,
To see the strength that I have shown.
When you answer the door pick up the phone,
You wont find me cause I'm not coming home.
You do not know how much this hurts me,
To say these things that I don't want to say,
But have to say them anyway,
I would do anything to end your suffering,
But you would rather walk away.


'I'm giving up on giving you my heart.'

Booklist 2011..

Gilles Deleuze - 'Francis Bacon: The Logic of Sensation'
Andy Warhol - 'POPism: The Warhol Sixties'
Steven Little - 'ISMs: Understanding Art'
Immanuel Kant - 'Critique of Pure Reason'
Immanuel Kant - 'Critique of Practical Reason'
Immanuel Kant - 'Critique of Judgement'
Natasha Walter - 'Living Dolls: The Return of Sexism'
Nicholas Bourriaud - 'Relational Aesthetics'
Tony Godfrey - 'Conceptual Art'
Cynthia Freeland - 'But Is It Art?: An Introduction to Art Theory'


There are a few more, but for now these are the ones I'm most keen on getting (sooner rather than later.) One of the things I'd like to achieve this year is a better understanding of the philosophy that we study in the 'Contemporary Art and Theory' lectures. There are also a coupe of books in this list to help my art language, because at the moment I suck at using the correct terminology.

So... today I

wrote you a letter.

Although this time I have every intention on getting it to you, see it's honest - and I think I may sound like a 5 year old all the way through it, there are so many mistakes you can count them, but at least I've done it now. I've said what I needed to, well to some extent anyway. Oh, and I may have accidentally started to doodle on it... sorry, I couldn't help it, some of the time I was so lost for words that I started sketching.


♥

Lock me up in starbucks?

I'd like to go back to 2010 please.

So far, January 2011 SUCKS.
I hate it, and we're only 4 days in!
If the new year continues on this way I have no idea how much I am willing to take of it, and I'm not really pleased with the idea of trying to just carry on as if nothing is wrong. Seriously - why? You're meant to start the year as you mean to go on, and this is anything but what I had expected. I hope things improve, even just a little, that would be fine.

I climbed your arms,
then you pulled away,
a new cavity moved into
my heart today.
The more I scream,
the more it seems
that now I'm through,
now I'm through.



So listen 2011 all I want from you is simply this... a few nights where I am able to sleep all the way through, from a decent time to a decent time. None of this 4am - 7am shit please. No panic attacks, I have had enough! I want my appetite back please, I'm fed up of not feeling hungry. I miss food! I'd like to stop living off of tea and water. It's NOT healthy. Oh.. and maybe a good grade at the end of the year? Thanks.

♥ Oh dear.

Maybe I know, somewhere deep in my soul, that love never lasts and we’ve got to find different ways to make it alone, keep a straight face. And I’ve always lived like this. Keeping a comfortable distance and up until now I had sworn to myself that I’m content with loneliness because none of it was ever worth the risk. Well, you are the only exception.
I've got a tight grip on reality, but I can't let go of what's in front of me here.
I know you're leaving in the morning when you wake up. Leave me with some kind of proof it's not a dream.