Oh.. p.s

I love you x

I'd give it all...

just to have you back in my arms.
I am suffering without you in my life.

'I'd kill to share your pain.
And sell my soul, for you just to say,
Loves name in vain, again and again.'


Have me back?
Take me in your arms, and show me all the things you used to. God knows I miss it, and God only knows how much I miss it! You've taken the light with you, and I need it back. I thought this was the right choice, but only now do I realise that maybe there was more to us than I thought. I didn't give us a big enough chance. For that I only hope you can forgive me, and let me prove how wrong I was!



Please♥.

I should be in jail....

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 8

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL so far: 16

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL so far: 24

1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL so far: 29

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stolen something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL so far: 36

1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush.
TOTAL so far: 43

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL so far: 49

1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10.been verbally harassed.
TOTAL so far: 56

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL so far: 64

Grand Total: 64

If you have less than 10, write “I’m a goody-goody”
If you have more than 10, write “I’m still a goody goody”
If you have more than 20, write “I’m average”
If you have more than 30, write “I’m a bad kid”
If you have more than 40, write “I’m a very bad influence”
If you have more than 50, write “I’m a horrible person”
If you have more than 60, write “I should be in jail”
If you have more than 70, write “I should be dead

It's been a while.

But I've been a bit busy to be honest.
I had a rather event full weekend, which has ended up in me feeling so relieved! I'm a very happy bunny this week, and it's only Tuesday. I went out to 'rock night' although to be honest they didn't play half as much of the decent music this time.. Which sucked. I woke up today feeling pretty good about myself.

Which rarely happens!

Can I just say, I wore a skirt yesterday!
I looked fairly decent too!
AHAH..
How often do you hear that come out of my mouth??
WOOPWOOP.
Things are good.

*sighs*

I've written my list.
I will admit, I cried, I also got angry, and I also missed him for the first time.
What does this mean?


It feels like someone is ripping me at the seams, laughing and pouring lemon juice into my wounds. Never did I think I'd feel like this, but I know something needs to change... I need to be happy, but how can I be certain this is what will make my life easier or happier..?


Someone please tell me what to do.
Thanks.

Exhibtion Day!

The exhibit went really well, better than expected actually.. the only bad thing was they bastard health and safety men! I hate them. But hey I was blocking the fire escape, but to be fair WHO THE HELL DOESN'T LOOK WHERE THEY ARE WALKING! Retarded really, especially as we were manning the exhibit at all times..
It went well none the less!

Apart from that I've been thinking of nan, missing her more than ever... I can't really express it, but I know she's with me. It seems so silly, but I feel like she's helping me with this course, and my life right now, along with Aaron. They are my rocks. I've really needed them at the moment, seeing as most people around me are not very helpful...

Damn this life.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being torn at the seams....

Tomorrow.

Is one day I forgot was coming.
After listening to a very depressing song I can't help but think about it.

I miss my nan, and even though tomorrow is two years since she passed it still feels like yesterday we lost her. I cannot explain how much it hurts to remember, and I can't explain how hard it is going to be tomorrow.

2008 was so unbelievably messed up, and 2010 is getting closer and closer to being the same. I cannot express how much I am starting to hate this year, and I wish it was over so I could start again!

That's it.

I've had enough of you and I can't take it anymore.
Every single little flaw is showing up on you like a rash, I cannot ignore it anymore! I know that somewhere inside you are my everything, but for now you need to leave me alone.. I can't do this everyday, I can't be this person, for one thing it's not fair on the people around me and also... it's not fair on me!

I thought I would get over this feeling, but it is only getting worse with time.
Someone help me please.
My light is fading, and I don't want to loose it.
I'm not who I was 4 months ago, and I want her back.

I recieved a letter.

and it made me cry.

I can't help but think somewhere along the line I played my cards wrong, how can so much happen to one person in a year, not even 6 months! As things develop I'm starting to crumble. It is only now that I can see how weak I really am, and God only knows how I'll deal with everything. If only I were stronger, and knew the right words to say, maybe then things wouldn't be so messed up!
I haven't really told anyone the truth about how I'm really feeling, and maybe there are no words to describe it, but I know for sure it's getting the best of me, and it's starting to show. Some things have got to change, but knowing where to start is proving difficult to be honest, especially as I haven't got many people to turn to... Or the person I want to turn to is busy,, making herself better, now.. I don't want to sound selfish, but I need her.. I can't do this without her, it brings me to tears to know I am coping so badly... I really should just act my age, grow up and be there for her, help her be strong, I now she's going through so much right now.. I'm scared for her.. God I don't know where to start anymore..


?

Silence.

This is the best way to get my feelings across.
I no longer know how to get these things out...
It's come too far, I know it.. I am really unure of whether I'll be able to go back now, is it even worth the fight?



Help.

First week over! :)

I'm pretty pleased to be honest.
Everything is going well..
Although not too happy that I don't have a plan about my studio work..
I'll get there.
No point putting a downer on the first week!!

Frieze Fair tomorrow.. 9o'clock start = LAME!
Ahh well home home home afterwards! :)
I get to see the smelly Taylor household.
Actually quite excited!

Today I

sat in the cafe, reading 'Love Letters of Great Men' whilst drinking a large mocha, I felt so at home and peaceful there. It was really nice to just have half an hour to myself.
The letters within the book are beautiful, and they are restoring some faith in humanity for me, there is a part of the introduction that is almost exactly how I feel about society today:

'The commonly held views these days is that people don't write love letters anymore, and that email and text messaging are death to romance. And it does seem unlikely that even the most impassioned lover would today claim, as the playwright Congreve does, that 'nothing but you can lay hold of my mind, and that can lay hold of nothing but you'; then again, Congreve was a literary genius.' - Ursula Doyle.

This book is truly beautiful in so many ways, and as I read the pages, my heart smiles, just because the words are truly heartfelt. Anyway, enough of the soppy romance..


I'm very happy today, which is nice.♥

I'm in the library.

It's Tuesday, I have no lectures or anything till Thursday, which is nice as I can get on with drawing my skull for the first studio day back, I'm thinking pencil, fine liner and chalk? Who knows.. but I want it to look good! :) The project outline is:

Bring in:
(Made or found)
1 Image.
2 Objects.
3 Lines of text.

I'm half way there, I'm only having trouble with the objects, which is annoying.
On a lighter note..
I am very happy right now, being back in Reading is lovely, my housemates are awesome, and I'm not missing anyone from home.. Well actually my sister, but I wouldn't tell her that! :) I'm still worried about dad, but I'm sure he is old enough and ugly enough to cope, and I'm sure it will be good for him to get on and exercise! I'm sure when I go home after the art fair on Saturday everyone will have returned to a Steph-less environment, which is okay. Reading is my home now, and I couldn't be happier, I've really needed to come back here, things are so much more relaxed and I think this year will be a good one!

In conclusion...
BRING IT ON!

Back to uni today.

So no internet/farmville/facebook for Steph.

Which is good, it means I'll have more time to draw, and work on what I'll do for my project this term/year. I'm getting really nervous as I know this year is graded towards part of the final year, no pressure hey..
Gahhh! I am so worried.

Right chill.
I've got my first project, and I'm going to get to work on it tonight...
I'm motivated and I CAN DO THIS.

... Sounds so much more convincing written down, if only I believed in myself!
Give me strength?

If only

I could write some clever line to say to you,
just so you would feel a little more for me.
I'm sure we'd be on top of the world if we were together.

Well screw you then.

I don't need this, why am I doing this again!?!
You are meant to be here for me right now, but no, you're out doing your own thing, yes I can accept you have your own life, and yes I know I'm not that important, but come on! No-one really deserves this, no-one needs to feel like this at all! You've been treating me like this for a while, and I think I need to give up on you, please prove me wrong.. soon.
I don't want to loose this.
It was beautiful before.


Prove me wrong, show me you care?
Please.

I would do anything

for another minute with you,
because it's not getting easier..

I couldn't find a lamp!

Damn it.
I wanted to get a few bits to make room a little more homely, but there wasn't really anything I felt did the job. There were a few bits I think I'll go back and pick up another day, but I need a few more pennies to do so!
Bad times.

Anyway, I've been having the strangest of days, it started well, got worse, then better and so on... I can't really explain it very well.
A few things occurred to me, but until I've figured things out properly I won't blog about it, unless I feel I can describe it well enough.







I need you, but you just don't know it.♥

I'm off to

buy shiney new things for my house.
Like a lamp, and homey things :)
I'll report back later x

Today you

made me feel like the crap on the bottom of your shoe.
Thanks.


& FYI... It hurts.

I can't keep

doing this.
Leave me alone now, it's too much.

It's nine minutes past two.

And I can't sleep.
This is getting boring, every night the same.
Can't eat, drink or sleep.

Maybe I've lost a little more of my light than I'd thought. Something is missing from me, and it's causing some problems. I know that I've got so much around me to be happy for, and I am grateful, truly I am, but something inside is telling me, this isn't where I thought I'd be. Is this what I want?
Change.
A small word.
A small word that causes such upheaval in life.
Is that what I need to fill this void I'm feeling? Is there something, something more than this. However emo or lame this makes me sound, I don't honestly care, because I need help, I need someone to bring back my smile, my light, the feeling that I'm worth something to someone.
I just need something small.
A letter? A post-it note? A lyric?
Someone tell me that I'm doing the right things with my life, that I do mean something, that all this crap I'm facing is or will be worth something in the end. I know full well that life is hard and full of challenges, but at the end of the day... I need someone to be there, and right now it doesn't feel like I do, everyone is going through something, I don't want to stand in their way. A friend of mine has helped a fair bit recently, but he's in a band, he's also a solo artist so he has his own life to deal with... I feel almost like I'm clinging to him because for one moment while I talk to him, he makes me feel happier, I smile when we chat. I know this sounds like some soppy crush from a bad chick flick, but really it isn't - I have a boyfriend, and we're happy. So today I told him (the friend) that I'm not going to talk to him via facebook etc, I'll leave it till a gig, it's for the best I think, no one needs this, I wouldn't put it upon anyone to deal with me right now.
I have to sort this out.
I need to find myself.
Somewhere, somehow.. I lost my passion for things.





Essay over, emo much? Gah!

....

That was the day..

that all of my thoughts died.

As we drove home,

from a pretty amazing day - it must be said. All I could think about was you, and whether or not I'll be seeing you this weekend before I go back to university?

I've had an awesome day, meeting my new housemates, seeing Gabby and John as we watched the first comedy night of the year. I felt so relieved to be back there, even though I'm dreading the new year at Reading, there is also a part of me that couldn't be happier.
My Room is pretty cool, big and roomy. It needs a homey touch here and there, but it'll get sorted.










The memories are still etched upon my soul....
And they just won't let me go, so easily.

All the stars were out tonight.

It was like they were shining for you.
I wished upon every single one of them.
All I could think about was how beautiful you really are to me.
Just like those stars.


I've been reading poetry (yes okay, online. But at least I'm making the effort, I'm unsure of what books to buy), I've been learning new words, all in the hope that maybe I'll get a bit smarter. So far so good. I've really enjoyed it actually, words can be so beautiful, but I must say - I feel that romance is lost. However old I may sound with this next comment, it does seem that today's generation doesn't grasp the idea of true love, expressing feelings through poetry, music or even art. I long to be proven wrong, as I'd like to hope that one day someone can show me that love, like it's shown in the movies, and I mean the classic films, still exists.
I think if that ever happened, my faith would be restored in humanity.






I'm not trying to impress you, I just want you to know who I am. ♥

Today I

wrote you a love letter.
I doubt you'll ever get it.
Maybe if things were different, maybe if I knew where I was right now.

You told me that if things weren't how I wanted them to be - end it - sort the troubles out, but I'm struggling to figure out what that means. Its so hard to understand out where I should be at this stage, has it gone too far? Can another path be taken? Will I ever have the knowledge to determine how I feel, or understand what this all means? I must have gone this far for a reason, but it seems that no one is capable of explaining it to me how or why.
It's getting harder.

If only I knew what this feeling is.
Panic? Fear? Love?
Gosh, why is it so hard to label emotion.
When do you know to make the right decision?

Far too many unanswered questions, I can't seem to find myself in any of them.





'please, give me something,
because someday I might know my heart'

....

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw


I couldn't have put it better myself.





You do not know how amazing you are to me.

Pinch punch.

- first of the month.


I have got a strange sort of feeling about October, so much is going on within it that it could either be a good or bad month. Stupidly I'm putting my money on good, as I get a semi new start at things; art, social life and being independent etc, but I need to weigh up whether the old aspects of my life need changing. I found this quote on a friends face book.. It's pretty true actually, I think more people need to live to it:

'Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.'
- Anonymous.




watch me fall for you...