Last blog of 2010.

so how's about a little round up.
I'm not quite sure exactly how I feel about 2010, so many things have happened - both good and bad. I'm ending the year feeling happy though so I guess overall it's not too bad? Here's a little round up of things that have happened this year....

My obsession with Ville Valo has calmed down drastically since the beginning of the year - and in March I saw HIM live! :) In November I met Kat Von D ♥!!! <- Of which I must metion David who saved my photos!!! :) Uni went from being shit to not so shit, I'm well on the way to a first - SCORE! Hayley and Lini are awesome and two of the best people ever! I am now well on the way to growing up.. Dad's heart operation helped out with that - that was the shittiest summer ever! I was working so much over summer and did not get to spend any of the money! I've become single - turned out to be a good thing though, as I am doing much better - I've lost a stone and a bit in weight which makes me a size 12 again!!! :D I am a little bit more confident and don't think so badly about myself. I have become closer to my family, and my dad said he was proud of me - he has even told other people about my achievements and how he was proud of them!! My goals in life have changed and I am more driven to do better in life. My journal is my best friend - well, after my sister - who is simply amazing and just gets me! I wouldn't have lasted this year without her ♥!

So things I'd like to do in 2011....
Take more photos! Get my grades up and do well in my dissertation. Go on a long holiday for my 21st - Italy perhaps? Get back into my drawing/sketching - I've been slacking in that department. Go to more gigs and art exhibitions! Just generally have more fun and make more memories.

I just going to write a little thank you to everyone for the support you've given me this year, both with uni and with Dad. You know who you are - I can't write every one's names, I know I'll forget someone! But I want to thank a few people especially - Sam ♥ Lini, Hayley & Gablove! Ginge & Mayme. Lisa & Marky. David Bevan & Nats. I don't know whether I'd have come this far without you, I can't thank you enough for everything! Anyway... enough mush - more new year celebrations! I can't wait to bring in the new year with my lovely sister - in our onesies!!! ♥ I love our special times! See you later blog.


Happy New Year! :)

:|

Play your game and walk away, your integrity don't mean shit
Crawl on me you fucking parasite, and I'm gonna take you out.

Sorry.

I'll do a blog about today's events tomorrow, with photos and stuff - but for tonight all you're getting is angry Steph - for that I'm sorry.

WTF!?!? I have no idea what you're trying to pull but it's not clever - or funny for that matter! I'd appreciate know what the fuck you think you are doing? This is getting stupid! Please stop being such a dick and GROW UP! I am not a door mat, and I won't let you treat me like this! I didn't expect it from you, there are a few people I know that are capable of this... but you?? I am so disappointed!

I've wound my self up so much in the past hour, and it has reached the point of me going to Starbucks at silly times.. well half 11 at night (I'm lucky that I live so close to a 24hr Starbucks)!! I need to chill out, I think I'm going to shove on some true blood and draw till I fall asleep. Also I'm seeing Amy tomorrow, that makes me smile, so I'll think of her as I draw - I haven't felt like this in ages.

♥ Family.

Lewis Canute. Cutest cousin ever!

I have never had so much fun.

I'll miss them now that they've gone back to Italy, I have to wait until August to see them all again, which sucks.

Landaaaan.

Miss Heather Marsh and myself have just organised a day trip to London for this Thursday! So far the plans are:

- Madame Tussauds.
- Lunchies in Covent Garden.
- Starbucks.

Oh it's going to be lovely! I hope to get a photo of myself with Andy Warhol :) and Sly Stallone, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Harry Potter oh so many people! I'd better clear out my camera so I've got enough memory. I have missed spending time with Miss Marsh, it's been so long since uni, for both of us. Still, better now than never.

Also I'm having a lazy night in with true blood and my Starbucks, although it's almost finished now.. BAD TIMES! I wish they were bottomless, and stayed hot! Actually come to think of it, maybe I should sort out my addiction to Starbucks, I have spent far too much money there recently! Ahh well! :)

Okay, so kids aren't that bad..

This evening, I was playing with my young Italian cousins, they are 3 and 5 years old - they are crazy fools! I have never had so much fun though! Spinning around, throwing Lewis on the sofa, blowing raspberries and just general childish madness! After two hours I was knackered though...
It was so lovely to spend time with Lisa and her bunch, it's a pain that we meet up once a year, if we're lucky twice - although it does make nights like tonight worth every minute! Lisa cooked an amazing lasagne then we stuffed ourselves silly with chocolates. I can't get over how lovely my dad's side of the family are, I am actually very grateful to be a part of the Taylor family, as crazy as everyone is, I wouldn't change a single one of them!

Overall.... today has been rather lovely.

La la la....

so this morning I've been singing, very badly, and very loudly! SUCH FUN! My singing is so bad that I think my mother is counting down the days till I go back to Reading... Ahh well, you're only young once. Have fun, rattle a few cages! :)

Boxing Day.

what a waste of a day.
The lecture notes are out, and after I've done the write ups that need finishing off I will begin my essay. Easy enough question to get my head around, but finding the right subject matter within the text is proving to be a pain in the arse, however I will find a decent topic, and I will get a decent grade. Well - I'll try to my best to get decent grade, although to be fair as long as it's similar to if not higher than my last two essays things will be fine. Oh, how I hate essay writing, or any kind of written coursework. Now if they asked me to write a lovely handwritten letter, maybe it would be easier for me to get a first... I am obviously not smart enough for uni, why did I bother? Ah well, I'm into the second year now, no turning back at this point, that would make be such a hypocrite! Damn... Guess I'd better work hard then!

Anyway, bar the essay stuff, I'm really struggling with today. I'm listening to Stone Sour, and if I'm perfectly honest the lyrics are starting to really get to me, never before has a band upset me like these guys manage to - not in a bad way. They just have the words to really hit me where it hurts... Which makes listening to them a little bit harder than I'd like, especially as I love this album so damn much.
I think I'm going to start work on my new years resolution, now I don't usually make any, but this year I think I need to - some things have got to change.
Favourite song of the day: Stone Sour - Unfinished.♥

Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!

:) I had the best time catching up with mark...
Cooking, chatting and drinking becks. Lovely!

To be honest I was a little let down that Santa didn't bring me Corey Taylor this year, but did bring me a slipknot CD.. hmm.. Maybe I'll let him off?
Oh, and FYI.. I love being ignored.. It really gives me the best feelings of my life - thank you - you royal pain in my arse, enough now.

And I'll leave you with a lovely Christmas message from Mr Corey Taylor.

:)

If only.
'This was something I couldn't have, and that just made me want it more.'

It's christmas eve...

I'm seeing my gorgeous Amy in a matter of minutes, and to be honest that's going to be the highlight of today.. Not as excited for tomorrow as one might of hoped, but maybe when it comes to it there will be a little more Christmas spirit floating around my mind..? Who knows.

I bet we'll attempt silly family things, like sit around the telly watching the programs organised for Christmas eve. We'll most likely end up watching Love Actually, like we do every Christmas - I don't mind, but I've come to realise how only a couple of the story lines would ever actually happen - and to be fair the ones that would are the ones where people get let down..

Bring it on.

I've been here before...

a few times.
And I'm quite aware we're dying.

Pretty Woman.

How beautiful is she?
I do love this film, one of the very few chick flicks that I do enjoy.

Courage is..

the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

:)

Yes please?

Missing you angel.

I miss you Aaron, so so much. If only you knew how much people are thinking about you, and missing you - I think we'd have made you so proud!
Every now and then I think up a new little memory about you, I'd write it all on your page, but it'll take up far too much space. The one for today was when we went to see Hagrid's hut! :) I was watching Harry Potter with Sam, and was like 'you didn't get to come with us HAHA!' Was a crazy time, your dad told us that he'd kick the foxes if they came too close! Gosh.. that all seems like so long ago! Can't wait to catch up on the other side, we should grab a few drinks.. :) I can take it now LOL.. maybe not the way you can but I'll try and keep up.

Love you boy xx

I'll miss Strictly.

Gavin Henson.
:) He has made my weekends, watching is attempts at dancing have been so entertaining... And I thought he'd left my tellybox, but no! He came back for a final dance, and took his shirt off.. Lovely!
I just want to also write about Artem, he and Kara won this series, which I am SO happy about if I'm honest. But, it has come to my attention how lovely he is... He cares so much for Kara, and says the most sweetest things about her, I'd quite like a man like him - if that's not too much to ask for?

If only..

you thought I was worth the effort...
I'm honestly gutted.
Maybe it's just me being stupid, I guess that's not really a change from any other event in my life. Who needs friends anyway? I'll be alright on my own, it'll be a good thing, I'll learn from it and become stronger.


Oh and I'm going to start watching Buffy from the start of series 1, all the way through to the end, I wish I had someone to cuddle up to while I watch it. Meh, can't have everything.. or anything as it seems at the moment...
Bring on Christmas!


:(

Home for christmas.

I'm so glad that this term is over! As much as I've enjoyed this term (I've actually really enjoyed myself!), it's going to be nice to get a few lie-ins and get my eating/sleeping patterns back to normal.

Oh, yea. Also Lisa and that are coming over to England on Monday - so damn excited! I've got so much going on over the next week, and then it's the big family gathering for Christmas day! It's gunna be awesome.

Currently listening to - Buckcherry.
I was advised them by a friend, and they aren't that bad.. In fact I quite like his voice, reminds me of Steve Tyler - kind of? Maybe? Ahh well.. It's good music so.. Carry on..
Currently reading - Art-Language (Vol1Issue1)
Damn essay reading.. Making a start on my essay tomorrow so I've got a lot of reading to do - better make a start ASAP.

You were my fire.. so I burned.

Now there's nothing left of me.

65!

Damn right!
I got 5 marks off of a first! A 2:1 isn't bad at all, especially for the first term as it means I can only do better! All that stress was totally worth it! I can relax now...

How I miss someone to hold...

when hope begins to fade.. ♥

it's all your fault...

You called me beautiful.
You turned me out,
and now I can't turn back.
I hold my breath,
because you were perfect,
but I'm running out of air
and it's not fair.

Stone Sour ♥

Let's be honest - I watched you walk away
You went off to find - anything else - anything less
I guess...
I´m only honest - I'm only here to say, yeah
You've been gone so long - everything else - is already less
On your own...

I'm a Slave - I will Beg
All I want is something better - something that is safe
You can say - you will stay
But I know fucking better - you will never change.

More art... less ranting.

This is a piece by Mark Ryden called 'Awakening the Moon' that I saw at the Frieze Fair this year. It's beautiful.
Oh.. and so my blogs shall start to contain more arty images and more of my own drawings - therefore less of my ranting, which is always good!

This evening

has been rather odd.

Today I've been through so many emotions, I've been completely pissed off, calm and content and even all panicky/anxious, it's been crazy - where it has come from is any ones guess... I'm really getting tired of this, so to be fair when Christmas comes things will be much better - firstly Lisa is coming from Italy with the boys!! And secondly I'll get out of Reading, away from art, and back home to some familiarity, which is odd because I always thought home was the problem. Seems my thoughts are all over the place, it'll be great to get back into going on walks, taking my journal out into the vast fields and greenery that is Hedgerley. One week to go till I come home, lets get through that first - especially as I get my assessment results on Thursday.


Wish me luck!

So glad!!

This week has been so damn stressful! Alas.. It's all over now! All my assessment work is done and handed in, only got essay prep-work to do for Friday.


Oh!
I realised something today.

I don't actually care, I was so stupid to even think half the things I did about you - it's taken me a week and a half, but I have finally realised you mean nothing. Thank you - You made me realise that I am worth so much more than you gave me credit for!

Somedays..

it feels like I've got this scrawled across my forehead:


Hi.
I'm Steph,
Feel free to tell me I'm beautiful, or that you care, or that you want to spend time with me, and then go ahead and treat me like shit... I don't mind.
Honest.



I'm fed up of feeling low.
Also, I'm fed up of people saying they'll do things, or just generally saying things to me then taking it back, or ignoring me, or as I've recently found out telling me things and mocking me behind my back to their friends! What a kick in the balls.. or where ever the equivalent is for a girl. It sure does make you feel like it's worth waking up in the morning.... Not!

It's more

than I can stand.



I will always love this scene.
Note to self: buy the soundtrack!

Dear Documentation...

If you would be so kind as to fuck off - that would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.



Yours sincerely


One very frustrated.
Stephanie Taylor.

I've seen you cry

way too many times,
when you deserve to be alive..


I hope you are okay my love, it's killing me to know I can't be by your side, helping you get better. I think about you everyday! I just don't want to bombard you with questions, seeing if you are okay - I know that's not what you need right now. I hope you know I love you, and I'm only a phone call away if you need me.
♥♥

A few pages of my journal..

I can only show you the doodles I'm afraid :D

I'm very proud of this unicorn, although the scan doesn't do it any justice. A simple drawing, yet it means a lot to me. I don't often draw things like this.

I must stop listening to music, it's really making me an aggressive person - but disturbed are just so damn awesome, and right now I need to listen to them.

Oh and this.. a mixture of a skull and a tree..
Odd I know - but they were things I did during a meeting, so there was no method to the drawings, drawing them just kept me quiet :)

Why? Why do I keep on doing this?

I have to stop torturing myself with this.
I'm worth so much more than this!



I have talked to a few friends recently, and they keep asking me why I am constantly thinking so badly about myself (even more so lately).. To which I reply 'I can't help it,' - when one person that actually means something to me makes a harsh or bad comment, it sticks. Also I'm starting to believe that I have this stupid need to please people, and when I can't - I constantly battle to find out why I'm not making them happy the way I should. It's getting silly.
You aren't helping (may I just point that out)!
None of you or any of you. You are all just floating around getting on with your day to day lives, while I am left feeling like.. well, I don't know what. It's always good to know that when you feel down... actually I won't finish that sentence.. I think I'll leave it, you just figure it out and get back to me when YOU have the time, because obviously you have more important things to do right now.

GAH!!!! Dickheads!!!


Now it's pretty clear how much I use the word 'I' in my blogs, but at the moment I'm trying to self-assess myself, figure out why the past few weeks, even months have been so hard to deal with. So I don't really care! :D

I swallow my pride..

but I won't forget what I want.





It really is amazing how much music helps you get through certain points in life, and how much it helps you to realise that you can be strong. It is not a big deal if you are upset, but you can grown from it, and move on. I'll be stronger after this, and you know what.. I'd love to see you try and worm your way back now!
Good luck.

Turns out...

I know more about art than I thought, and my studio practise isn't failing as much as I said it was! I think rather than fail the assessment I may just about pass :) I'd like to hope for a 2:2... but we'll see how the documentation turns out.


In other news, I bought a new journal the other day, the pages are filling up quickly. The jottings and doodles are crazy, I feel so content when I'm writing in it, but then someone will talk to me and that contentment is lost. My mind just isn't where I want it to be right now, I need to get back into a better frame of mind! Oh, and I can't stop listening to Disturbed right now, which doesn't help the frame of mind at all! I think I'll scan a few of the journal pages in and show you what's going on in this whirlpool of a mind.

This work

will kill me..

Sat in the library trying to bash out something that sounds like I know how to talk about contemporary art, when really I can't even string a sentence out about normal everyday things.. My words are shite, utter, utter shite! Dear lord I'll fail this assessment again!

It's like..

one of those bad dreams,
where you can't wake up.


oh... PS.. It's so damn cold in my room, I can't go anywhere without being wrapped up in my blanket. Although to be fair, we have hot water again, so I guess that's going to make up for it a little, I do love a nice hot shower - but coming back into this room afterwards is the part I'm dreading!