Hello stranger.

It's been a while, I know.
Bad times on my part.

I've done a fair bit since my last blog, but there's no point my doing an epic essay, most of it is on facebook if I'm honest. Oh, but now I'm on twitter! Haha, tweeting away... Not sure if that's good or bad?
Hockey pre-season has started up, one game left, Slough have won only one out of the three games, I cant believe we lost both games against Bracknell. Fiona will never let me live that down! Anyway, none the less I'm very excited for Saturday when the season starts up again with our first game against Manchester, I'm goal judging... I'm a little nervous, as I made a mistake last time against Bracknell, but it should be fine! :) I've also got my season ticket now - I feel like a part of the Jets this season, which is nice. I'm happy being back at Slough with my family, although this family photo (taken by my lovely friend Vincent Shiel) is at the Hive - Bracknell's home ground. Good times!



My dissertation work is going well, got a lot down for 2/3 of the things Jonathon wants in, just need to make a start on the main on, but I just need to get all my notes in order and work out how I'm going to structure this beastly essay. So far things are going well, I just need to carry on with it, not get angry and lose my temper with it. Trying so hard to be positive about it, but I know it's my written work that lets my grades down! Bad times. Any way, I've got a fair bit to do, both with my home stuff and my university stuff, I'll write back to you soon.

I need a dollar....

Dollar is what I need.
Good lord I need to get hold of some moneys... I want to do a back to uni shop, but seeing as funds are a little low at the moment I'm compiling a wish list here so I can get them when the money arrives. New Look is the first stop, 10% student discount for the win! I'll do Topshop tomorrow and so on... I think I need some retail therapy at the moment if I'm honest, things are getting me down. Haven't got too many people I can talk to right now and I don't know who to pick when it comes to it. Honestly I hate off loading my worries onto people as I just feel that they don't need to here me ramble on about my petty problems - I guess that's what my diary is for! Anyway, enough about that. I'll be back tomorrow with more of my wardrobe wish list.

Tea ♥

"Love is stronger than death even though it can’t stop death from happening, but no matter how hard death tries it can’t separate people from love. It can’t take away our memories either. In the end, life is stronger than death."-Unknown



I'm really in the mood to sit and research my dissertation topic with an endless amount of tea. I'd love my own little teapot so that I can just keep the tea coming. One like this would be lovely don't you think? Yes please :) I think this year I was 20 going on 75... I can't help but love an afternoon tea, a biscuit and a book, or a nice film to watch. Bring on a life of cats and tea cosies!



Oh, and just so you know...
I'm not really feeling myself at the moment. There's a sudden lack of self esteem and confidence in me right now, I'd quite like it all back please - I was doing so well. Can't help but think that all of my luck has run out, and I've got to build it all up again. I'm going to spend the rest of my summer holidays reading True Blood and my dissertation books, alongside going ice skating - the only things (at the moment) that take me away from real life - and into my own world, my day dreamer's reality. ♥

Finale Ligure ♥

I have had the best summer holiday with my family.
Right not I have big love for my Taylor/Azzapardi family, and I miss them all so much now I'm back home in boring Hedgerley.



Finale is such a beautiful place, I am so lucky to have been able to go out there for my birthday, also the fact that all of my dad's side was there to celebrate it with me was just amazing. My cousins did so much for me to make the day special, I wouldn't have had my birthday any other way. I loved every second!



All that I want now is to go back.
I am not enjoying being back here, it's dull and so boring... also the looming dissertation deadlines/lack of money are starting to get me down! I'm saving every single penny I can to get my self back out there!

Just over a week..

and I'll be here....


Here's a photo I took the last time I went:

As I lost them all when our home computer died, I'll be taking more to capture Finale, it's such a beautiful place :)

When I'm home alone..

I could sit and listen to Adele all day long, singing away because I know nobody can hear me! I looked up for tickets to go and see her, and as I'm not willing to sell parts of my body, it's safe to say I can't afford to go (sad times!)

Apart from my stupidly loud singing, I've been reading a hell of a lot on Eva Hesse - stupid dissertation! I'm learning so much about her, which is good because having to write 5000-8000 words on her is going to need knowledge! I'm so scared I'm going to fail this damn essay, having such a lack of faith from my supervisor is merely helping my fear. I guess I'll just plough on through it, get it done to a good enough standard to hopefully continue my 2:1 level in essay writing. Which reminds me, researching the PGCE has been a bit of a scarey realisation. They only accept 2:1 grades or higher, lots of motivation and proof of work experience and a keen enthusiasm... I've got a few of those things, but we'll see this time next year how the grade will pan out. It just worries me that if you get a 2:2 you're application has to be exceptional for you to get a place. GAH! So much to do, so much pressure! My hoes will get me there, but I just have to put in a ton of work! >.<

I'd like to be back in Reading working towards my degree.
I know that's silly as the studio isn't even open, but after researching and reading, all I want is to make a start. It's really haunting, just knowing how much there will be to do when I get back. I think I'm going to get started on my sketchbook, as I've been threatening to do this for a while, but I haven't actually done anything! :( Bad times! I've really go to get my act together for next year! 2 and a half months to go until I start my final year - BRING IT ON!

♥ Beautiful

It's like the end of an era...

As of today there's only 1 whole week left of living here at 30 Barnsdale Road.

Last night we had a great time mucking around, much to the expense of Dario, although to be completely honest he's been in a foul mood all week, so we were in a way 'trying' to cheer him up. After he left to go out we got a bit cello tape happy, we'd previously cello taped Lini's legs together which was HILARIOUS, but that wasn't enough, we then went on to cling filmed Dario's pillows and slippers and covered the communal areas with latex gloves. During the fun of all this Tryni made us a lovely sausage casserole for dinner, it was a-mazing! I do believe it was thanks to Tryni's cooking that we all got very hyper - not that I'm complaining because it was so much fun.

The best evenings are with Nalini Rasiah and Tryni Tuthill!! :)

We laughed so hard last night, my chest still aches!! :)

The little critter we left for Dario, in a kitchen roll nest.

I'm going to miss this shitty little house, although it's not the prettiest, or the most spacious, it is where we've spent the past year, and I have loved my time here. Especially spending it was my housemates. I can't wait to start next years adventure in the new house - BRING ON FINAL YEAR!

I've decided that my aim for the summer is to do a drawing a day, it doesn't have to be an elaborate, highly detailed piece but something so I can say I've done it would be awesome. Maybe I'll upload the ones I'm proud of..? We'll see how it goes, but the 1st of July is the beginning of summer, so the beginning of this sketch a day! :)

Hello.

I know it's been the longest time since I blogged, and I'm sorry... I tend not to look at my laptop, let alone turn it on and use it. Since my last blog, well a fair bit has happened actually since my last post.

I have now received all of my individual grade sheets for this year, and for the 30% of my year that counts towards the final grade; I have got a 2:1, not the highest 2:1 in the world but, none the less a good grade to start my final year with. I know that I have a LOT of work to do to receive a first at the end of next year, and my God I plan on doing it! Oh, and I've also begun reading a few books on Eva Hesse and Gabriel Orozco for my dissertation - I am terrified of this mammoth essay - essays are my worst fear. If anything is going to ruin my grade it's this beast, 5000-8000 words that have to be perfectly written and presented! :( I am dreading it!

As my second year at university is almost over I have to begin thinking about my summer holiday, to which I've applied for some work experience, but not yet heard anything, I'm not sure whether I should be worried yet, but I'll give it some time. I also have decided that as I have to buy a new laptop I'm going to be working a LOT over summer, although taking a week to go to Italy for my birthday is kind of ruining this plan completely! A few people have started asking me what I'd like for my birthday, and the answer everyone is getting (it's the same every year to be honest) is I don't mind, or I'm not sure yet. I know for people's 21st they generally get a piece of jewellery, and I've been looking on the Tiffany and Co's website to see if there's anything I like.. It's safe to say I got a little excited and picked one of each section; necklace, earrings, bracelet and a ring, here are the pictures of them:

- necklace = PRETTY!! <3

- bracelet.

- earrings.

- ring.
Mostly everything matches, they are all very pretty :) and as it's me, all of them, well, except the ring contain black. I'm not asking for all of them, in fact I'm not going to ask for any of them. I think I'll save up my money and buy them once I've earned it. That way I'll feel so much better for owning a piece of jewelry that's worth a months wages!! Anyway, I've written quite an essay now. So I'll go and do something productive, but I'll be sure to write more often so that the next time there isn't so much to read!

G'night x

Good evening.

Hello.
It's been a while, I know that.

I have been so distracted recently, mostly by the stupid amount of university work I've had to do which was due in on Friday, partially by some other things. My head has been all over the place, and even though I have all this free time I find myself more distracted than ever. After planning an endless list of things to do with all the free time I have, almost a week has past and I've completed nothing. Sweet F-all.
After work tomorrow I'll be making the trek back to my dear student home in Reading, joy of joys. I'm almost certain that this will mean a big room tidy and a night of online telly, most likely 90210. Actually, if that's the plan then the sketchbook will be out... Drawing WILL be done! In fact I'll scan it all in so that there's proof! If 90210 gets to be too much, the I'll whack out my Adele Cd's, as they've been so relaxing and have aided my past two weeks of hell. I need to get out and find my inspiration again, I think I'll take a train somewhere, find somewhere to sit and draw for an afternoon if this doesn't work most likely I'll end up in Starbucks. As per usual :)

Hello Blog.

Today I finished this damn theory essay!



I'm chilling out right now listening to Olly Murs, and I actually love this album, however sad this makes me. I don't actually care right now. The lyrics are so cute, and makes me want to sort myself out, get into a happier place maybe that means find someone? Who knows. Oh well, I'm off to bed.

♥I fell for the lines, but you knew I would.

New term. New Start!

Hello blog.

Today has been one of those days where I've really taken a lot in, sat back and had a good old think. The conclusion of this... I want a new start, yes, I know it's mid/end of April, but its never too late to make things better. So here's a little list of things I'd like to achieve:
- Sort out my room, get rid of all the crap etc :)
- Get out and do the things that I want to do.
- Spend more time drawing!! I miss it.
- Download Itunes for my laptop again!! :(


^^^ Oh, and I'd like this please. ^^^
I'd really like to be someones everything.

......♥

All I want is to drop the essays, not have to work this bank holiday weekend, leave the house and get as far away from reality as possible. Yes please? Take me away!



We could have fallen in love.

TTFN... Ta ta for now.

I'm going to stop blogging for a while.
I know I've been really bad with my blogging this year, but I've had a lot on.
To be honest, I feel that what I want to say needs to be written down in a journal, hidden away. I can't say what I want to on here, for both my interests, and for the sake of others, so therefore I'm going to go out tomorrow and buy a journal. I'll write in there for a bit, get everything out... With lyrics, poems my own writing I'll draw whatever.. The first blog back I'll put up some of my illustrations, but until then, goodbye blog.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 25-30)

I'm going to finish this here and now, I'm pretty fed up of it if I'm honest! So here we are:

Day 25: A song that makes you laugh.
- I'm going to go with The Bloodhound Gang's 'Vagina Song.' It's pretty darn funny! :) Especially when my dearest siblings sing a long to it with me, they give a very special touch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J_xduUJKMSc&feature=fvst

Day 26: A song that you can play on an instrument.
- Now I can't actually play anything really, well a chunk something from the Nutcracker on keyboard, but nothing really.

Day 27: A song that you wish you could play.
- This one is easy, Beethoven. Anything by Beethoven! :) I'd love to be able to play the piano, and maybe one day I'll get the time to learn.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQVeaIHWWck

Day 28: A song that makes you feel guilty.
- I haven't got a clue. There are a few things I could write down here, but I think I'm going to keep them to myself.

Day 29: A song from your childhood.
- I'm simply going to put a theme tune, this is mainly my whole childhood.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HiFNt8nGffA

Day 30: Your favorite song at this time last year.
- This time last year, I was completely in love with HIM, and 'Killing Loneliness' was my all time favourite song, now it's still in my top 3 - but I will always love it.

FINALLY FINISHED!!!!
God damn, I'm happy that's over.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 24)

** I've really got to do this properley rather than doing two/three songs in one day. Terrible! Although from tomorrow I'll be in Coventry so I'll have to do a few on Monday.

Day 24: A song that you want to play at your funeral.

Hmm... I'm not too sure, because if I'm honest I'd love to play something that people could say 'that's Steph's song' and it would cause them to remember good times. Ill get back to you :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 23)

Day 23: Song that you want to play at your wedding.

I'm not sure actually, the obvious one is 'Canon in D' by Pachelbel... but it really depends on who I'm with at the time. I'll post Pachelbel for now though :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 22)

Day 22: A sing that you listen to when you're sad.

I listen to a lot of different things, I guess it all depends on why I'm sad really...? Seeing as I have to choose I'll go with Evenescence. I love Amy Lee. I'll listen to most of thier stuff when I'm sad, but I'll put 'Lithium.'

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 21)

Day 21: A song that you listen to when you’re happy.

I'm pretty sure I have no clue :S
I'm thinking a song that Amy and I listened to together. It's by Phil Collins, and is part of the Tarzan soundtrack, yes - it's a sad song - but it's beautiful. It reminds me of our friendship, and how lucky I am to have such a good friend.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 20)

Day 20: A song that you listen to when you’re angry.

I mainly listen to disturbed/slipknot when I'm angry so anything by them deserves to be posted up here.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 19)

Day 19: A song from your favorite album.

I have no idea what I'm going to pick...
Which band? Which album...? I don't have a favourite.

♥ I love this.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 18)

Day 18: A song that you wish you heard on the radio.

I'd love to hear quite a few bands on the radio that don't seem to get played.... I'm going to go with Stone Sour though, I am in love with his voice.
'Made Of Scars.'

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 17)

Day 17: A song that you hear often on the radio.

Well I mostly listen to Capital FM or Radio 1, I'm going to go with Olly Murs, 'Heart On My Sleeve,' just because he's lovely... also someone should definatly get me his album! :) Just sayin'

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 16)

Day 16: A song that you used to love, but now hate.

It took me a bit to find the original version to this song... You Me At Six. I watched them in 2009 in High Wycombe, I loved them - which I realise now is lame but hey. Anyways they got majorly famous. If I wanted to go and see them now, rather than pay 6£ I'd have to pay 30£ ish... amazing what 2/3 years will do for you. Anyway, here's 'Save It For The Bedroom.'

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 15)

Day 15: A song that describes you..

I'm asking for help from my brother and sister for this so bare with me for the results of this...

They picked, well Sam picked... 'I don't wanna be,' by Gavin DeGraw AkA the One Tree Hill theme tune :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 14)

Day 14: A song that no one would expect you to love.

This is a song from a while ago, but I love to listen to with my brother, and have a little dance around... and attempt to sing along :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 13)

** Today's song finally!! **

Day 13: A song that is a guilty pleasure.

Considering the variety I have on my Ipod it's hard to choose a guilty pleasure, so I've decided to look through what's on my home computer to find a gem. I'm going to go with Daniel Bedingfield. Lame stuff I know, but hey! 'If You're Not The One.'

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 12)

** I'll try and keep up to date after today! **

Day 12: A song from a band you hate.

EASY! :) ahah... Muse, anything by MUSE!

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 11)

** Sorry this is late... again! **

Day 11: A song from your favourite band.

Currently I haven't got a favourite band,I'll grab the Ipod and have a browse....
Okay, so I'm going with Alter Bridge, they aren't my all time favourite, but they are one of the most played bands on my Ipod. As for song choice, I'm going with 'Watch Your Words,' I often sing this on my way to campus :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 10.)

Day 10: A song that makes you fall asleep.

This is easy, mainly because I have an entire 'sleepy times' play list on my Ipod, but also because I've blogged this song before... It's The Swell Season's 'The Moon,' from the Dear John soundtrack. I love love love this song. I fall asleep to it most nights. ♥

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 9)

Day 9: A song you can dance to.

Okay, so I'm not really the clubby/dancing kind of person. This topic kind of sucks really if I'm honest. I'm going to blag it with some KEY dollar sign HA... aka Ke$ha. Here's 'Take it off.' I love having a little dance to this song, especially after a shower in my towel :) GOOD TIMES! :)

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 8.)

Day 8: A song you know all the words to.

P.S. Sorry this one's late... I've been oober busy.

This is an easy one.... 'Down with the sickness' by Disturbed.
^.^ ♥

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 7)

Day 7: A song that reminds you of a certain event.

I know it was only last night, but it was such a great evening.. Food && music - was beautiful. Levi Roots is pretty awesome. So here's his song from when he first entered the Dragon's Den.... 'Reggae Reggae Sauce.'

Dear God,

I wish things were different.


Please?

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 6)

Day 6: A song that reminds you of somewhere.

I'm so stuck with what to choose, also where to choose? I have so many great memories, and to sieve through them all for just one is hard. I think I'm going to go with something that Tracy used to sing almost EVERY time we got into her car, it was quite fun, and I'm sure she'd sing-a-long to it even now. Cher's 'Life After Love.' It wasn't just in the car, it was when she was cleaning as well... This song just reminds me of my childhood at Tracy's something I wasn't very grateful of then but now I cherish every memory.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 5)

Day 5: A song that reminds you of someone.

I'm going with Stone Sour's 'Hesitate.' I love this song so damn much, I love the lyrics, the music, and the vocals. Every time it plays it reminds me of, well... It doesn't matter anymore I guess. But still...
The memory is there.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 4)

Day 4: A song that makes you sad.

I'm struggling with this one..
I honestly don't know what song to put, I'm searching through my Ipod trying to pick one. There are a few Good Charlotte songs that come to mind, and in fact as I write this I'm listening to 'Say Anything,' which is really getting to me. I think that out of all of the ones that upset me, or get to me - I'll put this one up:



Good Charlotte, with 'The Truth' - I love this song, and it makes me feel really low, but I love the lyrics; however repetitive and annoying they may be. This song means a lot to me.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 3)

Day 3: A song that makes you happy.

I'm choosing Buckcherry's 'Crazy Bitch.'
No song makes me happier than this song! It always reminds me of when I was listening to it full blast, and my landlords wife comes in just at the chorus!
GOOD TIMES!

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 2)

Day 2: Your least favourite song.

Wiz Khalifa - 'Black And Yellow.'
Dear Lord, this song is ridiculous! I hate hate hate it, how can anyone stand it? I find it truly irritating and to be honest there is no talent here AT ALL.

30 Day Song Challenge. (Day 1)

My friends have started doing this on facebook, but I thought rather than aid my facebook addiction, I'll show my songs on here. So, here we go then.

Day 1: Your favourite song.

Right now it's Adele's 'Someone like you.'
Now, I know I've posted this song on here before, but it is a truly beautiful song. She is such a talented girl, to capture the emotions that anyone anywhere in the world can relate to. I'm sure that everyone has been through something like this at some point in their life. Adele has managed to put it into words, into this beautiful song - I will always love this song.

Facebook.

I believe is slowly ruining me.

I'm fed up of everything taking up time in my life, I really feel like I've been neglecting my own art practise. All the time is going on studio work and other modules - I don't think I've drawn something that I want to for a good few weeks. Which is actually very upsetting, and needs to change. I think I'm going to spend my evening tonight chilling out to music and drawing, that - in my head - sounds lovely.

Oh, and someone posted this little ray of sunshine on facebook, and actually it's really beautiful:

Shoot for the moon,
because if you miss,
you'll hit the stars.

♥Love.Art.Theory.

Pretty beautiful really isn't it?
I'm not the biggest Johnny Cash fan, but this is lovely.

I apologise for the neglect, I have been really busy, what with deadlines and the like. The work load is really piling up at the moment, and it's taking a lot to keep on top of it. Although to be honest I have done a fair amount of my to-do list. I will conquer that bad boy by the end of this week!
To aid my art theory lectures I bought some arty/philosophical books yesterday, and I'm very excited for when they arrive! Here's what I purchased:



I also got the three critiques of Immanuel Kant; The Critique of Pure Reason, The Critique of Practical Reason and The Critique of Judgement. Cannot wait to get my bookworm on and read through all these little fellows, maybe then I'll understand art theory a little better. Pretty sure I should have done this in my first year, or even at the beginning of the second, but hey! Better late than never!!

If only...

I'd read the books that other kids did, maybe it would have given me the correct vocabulary and writing abilities that they all seemed to have. If only I'd learnt to appreciate myself for who I am, rather than forever hate myself, forever put myself down. Maybe then would I be able to write my careers assignments.
I cannot bring myself to write my positives.
I don't see what I have that a potential employer would want from me.

I'm pretty sure I'm pissing everyone off by getting so pissed off at something that, to them is something so simple. I can see that they're just getting annoyed with me, at my constant complaints about not being able to write 2/3 sentences on myself. I know it's ridiculous, but I'm finding this so difficult - I wish I didn't, but I guess that's what happens when you hide behind false smiles for the entirety of your childhood.
I'm aware that I'm 20, almost 21 years old, and should have been able to get over past events; but I haven't okay. Judge me all you want - I get it.

Please just try to see it from my perspective.

It's like....

dropping your most treasured item out into the sea.
From this single action you ruthlessly bestow upon yourself the blame.
You regret everything you didn't do..


and you think to yourself that..






you could have saved it.♥

Dear Lord.

Why can't things ever be simple.
Life is currently a revolving door - one of which keeps slapping me in the face.

Here's me writing down the things I really should stand up and say.
I'll simply write person 1, person 2 etc.
Person 1:
'Say you want to stay, you want me too, say you'll never die, you'll always haunt me. I want to know I belong to you. Say you'll haunt me.' ♥

Person 2:
Sort yourself out!
I'm not going to be there every time something goes wrong in your life, in fact I'm pretty sure I'm going to just walk away next time! Things are getting harder for me, and I need time to sort myself out, get my head straight. It's nothing you've done wrong, it's just there's only so much I can take. I've got to give myself some time, for all the things I've had to deal with. Please just understand, I can't always be there for you.

Person 3:
I'm lost. At an end.
I'm pretty sure I'm about ready to give up, not just on my course, my uni life... but myself as well. It's like I've lost the light in my life that I'd only just got back. I thought I was doing well, I really did. I seems my heart feels otherwise. I just don't see the point anymore. I guess what I'm saying is that, I think I need your help. I'm slipping away, and I don't think I've got enough to hold on to.


Gosh, I could write to everyone on here.

Beethoven. ♥

Recently I've needed music to fall asleep to; so I have put together a play list for myself. At the moment it mainly consists of; Beethoven, Pachelbel, Dear John soundtrack, Adele, Newton Faulkner, Norah Jones, Maroon 5 and a few others. I do believe it's an hour long, which to be honest is too long - I've been listening to the Dear John soundtrack (a lot!) and I fall asleep by the 4Th song; terrible really.

I have so much that I want to say, but I can't seem to write the words down... Not quite sure why though, as I usually have no problem with writing my feelings and stuff on this blog. I'm starting to hide again. I don't know if that's a good idea, but for some reason I can't help it. Pretty sure that someone will comment on it, no one leaves me to sort myself out these days, which I don't have a problem with. It's just there are times when saying nothing (for me at least) is the best thing to do.


Just so you know, you're breaking me.
Slowly, but surely you're tearing me apart.

Old music.

It surprised me when I came across this song, I've just put a vast amount of my old music onto my Ipod. This song is old, and I haven't listened to McFly since year 12, so that makes it 3 years old?
Oh my.



P.s: I'm not an idiot, please stop laughing at me behind my back, man up - laugh at me to my face. Then you'll see how little you actually mean to me.

Surprise.

I don't want to fall...

if there's no one to catch me. ♥


Certain songs are really getting to my heart. I am starting to wonder why? There isn't a clear answer why they should be effecting me like this, but they are. Goddamn.

I am in love with this song.

My goodness.
This song is beautiful, and I do believe Adele's voice is truly amazing, also she happens to be a pretty awesome songwriter. These lyrics are beautiful.

I can't sleep without this song.

It really is my lullaby.
Well, to be honest. I cannot fall asleep without hearing the Dear John soundtrack, sad I know. Still, what ever it does for everyone else, it's doing the job for me.

Meet Charlie...

A queen's guard.
And I made him speak!
Well. If I'm honest he didn't tell me his name was Charlie, I made that up for him. Also he barely spoke, he was just telling me that his gun wasn't in fact 'a big cool gun' it was a 'rifle.' I found this rather amusing, especially as the guards are not meant to talk. Made my day!
London was lovely.
The galleries were great.
I loved seeing Buckingham Palace.
I even got great family news.



Makes me wonder when things are going to get bad again?
I hope I get a few days on this happy, God knows I need it - and I'll do anything to make things work out for the best. Please give me a chance?

I can't go on...

living this way.


Things need to change, I know I keep saying this, but today I have had a realisation. I need to change things, because as they stand at the moment - I'm not doing very well, and I don't want to carry on this way at all! I can and will make more of an effort.
Oh, and I do my music needs to change as well, because if I'm honest I think it's only making matters worse. I've been listening to all the wrong things, all the wrong lyrics are floating around in my head. Music is a powerful thing, and it can really touch a person - but right now it's hitting me in all the wrong places.

Help?
I need some strength and I don't know where to get it.

It never comes out right.

'Is it true what they say you won't give it away?
And I don't know what to do to get next to you, next to you.
Every night, every day you just push me away.
Tell me what should I do to get next to you, next to you?'


I'm lost, at a block.
I'm seriously worried about it because I'm not too sure what to do and where to go from here. I've got no one to really talk to about this stuff, and my journal is taking a bit of a bashing. Which reminds me, I think it's time I uploaded some of the drawings from it up on to here.

I need a cuddle.
I miss you.
I'm sorry.
Can't you just tell me that I'm all you think about? That I'm all you want. I know you won't, and it's killing me - maybe I need this, I'll get over you in time.