Thank you for this.

It's great.
I no longer feel like I'm worth peoples time or efforts.
You really don't know what you've done...
You were perfect... well obviously not!

3 years

and I feel next to nothing.

You're around one month or so....
Tell me goodbye and I'm broken.

How is this even possible?
Thanks.. My heart is broken.


'I waited here all night for a miracle,
but miracles don't happen here.'

Best day ever!

♥ Cannot express how much I loved meeting her, she was so pretty. I cannot believe I met her, I hope she read my letter... BIGGEST GEEK EVER!

I got the call...

David managed to save my photographs from the book signing! I'm so relieved that he's saved it, so as of tomorrow evening it will become the background for my laptop, and my profile picture on face book. Oh deary me, I probably shouldn't be so excited about one picture, but - Kat Von D - my idol!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Yesterday!

Best day ever!
We queued outside Waterstones In Piccadilly from 10.30am till 3.30, (when we got to sit inside and queue) then at half 5 ish Kat comes in! I was so damn excited, I think I must of made a tit out of myself in front of the people that we'd met standing in the queue, but to be honest WHO CARES!?!?! I got to meet one of my two favourite people ever! My lord, I looked rough - hat hair and rosy cheeks from the cold.. obviously Kat looked amazing! We were allowed to have a photo with her, mine was pretty awesome even though I looked shit!

BUT..

When I got home, I put my memory card into a reader then into the computer, when the computer decides to wipe off all the contents of my card! I'm so pissed off, but David is recovering the photos as I blog, I am waiting for a message telling me he's found the photos I took and the one taken of me and Kat... I honestly don't know what I'll do if it's lost forever :( I'll cry. Until then this is a photo one of the journalists took of her :)


BEST DAY EVER!♥

Today..

I'm in a much better mood.


I've been researching Eva Rothschild and I understand it.. YAY!
I'll show you things later :)

It looks like

you've given up, you've had enough.
But I want more....

bad times...

I found this drawing...

This isn't my drawing, I found it online, now I know it belongs to an artist, but I cannot for the life of me remember her name... If anyone knows please message me it, I'd like to give them credit for the drawing. Anyway, I'd like to recreate a drawing of this, in my own way.. using different materials and stuff but mainly just because I need a release and I think drawing something I actually WANT to draw will help.


We'll see I guess.

i'm waiting in the dark

for miracles.
but miracles don't happen here....


Part of me wishes you'd show up unexpected, and tell me everything is going to be okay, that you want me, and that you won't forget me. Please stop doing this, I can't take much more of it, you don't know how much you're breaking me. The worst part is the music that's making it all harder was given to me by you! God what the hell is wrong with me, I'm NEVER like this, I've not been myself and I can't explain why, but all that makes sense is how I felt, when you were holding me. GOD THIS IS SO STUPID! You don't even care, you have spoon fed me bullshit, and I've just taken it all in.. Can't you prove that you meant what you said? That when you said you had feelings that they were real?? Come show me..

Please.

Lyrics.

They really are the best at describing me, I know I say this a lot, but today as I walked onto campus I listened to Pink's album Funhouse - something I'll admit I've been listening to a hell of a lot! I can't help it, it is so true to my life right now, it's unreal. There are a few songs on that album that relate so well to my current situation, and I am so sure that listening to them is actually breaking my heart, because I'm starting to realise how hurt I'm going to be soon. Give it a month and things are going to change, and I don't think I want them to, not that I really have any control over the subject.
I wish you would see how I feel, and I wish you'd come and help me deal with it, after all you seem to be the reason my head and heart are acting this way. It is so unusual for me to feel this way, I've even turned to drinking to help numb it out - ask anyone, that is NOT something I usually do at all, I barely drink more than 2 drinks in a night, and last night... my god did I drink! The thing about it is, it made me feel better! Even though the intention was wrong, I think it helped, but now I feel like I did before the mass amounts of alcohol were consumed, so now I find myself finding any excuse to go out at night, just to get wasted again..

I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way.
Now look.
Thanks...


It's all your fault, you called me beautiful.
You turned me out, and now I can't turn back.
I hold my breath, because you were perfect,
but I'm running out of breath, and it's not fair.

I wish I listened to things...

If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy.

Unless you want everybody else to be happy except you.
♥

Well...

that game was a load of horseshite if I'm honest, what the hell were the Jets thinking?? Also... why was Paddy Ward on the ice? Can't even pass to his own team members!!! 3-7 loss... Ridiculous!

On another note...
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
It's not too much to ask surely??
Dear god!

It's like..

you're the swing set,
and I'm the child that falls.. ♥

I think I'm just going to hide behind lyrics.
They stop this from being reality, and I don' think I can cope too well with the harshness of reality right now, I won't do it, I can't do it.

Please don't stand there, watching me break down, because I'm trying so hard to make this easier for you cope with, but have you even thought about what you're doing to me? I thought not.
Don't pretend that you care.

Killing Loneliness...

This isn't mine before you ask :)

:) This made my morning..

Yes, I'm going to watch Harry Potter tonight. I'm happy actually because I haven't been to the cinema since my birthday, which was in August. Plus I'm going with Lini and Dario, so it should be a laugh :)

You were my fire..

so I burned,
now there's nothing left of me.





I haven't enjoyed an album as much as I love 'Audio Secrecy' by Stone Sour in a long time!

It's lovely when I get post..

especially when it's from Italy.
My cousin replied!! :) Today was going so badly until I came home to find this letter, the biggest smile was on my face for the rest enough of the evening.

Today as I just said - has been utter shite, I have had the worst headache since about 11 o'clock this morning, and I've run out of paracetamol and money for that matter.. I haven't been able to have my usual 'get over the headache nap' which has left me in a horrid mood. On top of that, my friend bailed on our plans, so I have spent the evening alone.. well that's a lie - I had some yummy pizza with Lini. :) Oh, and I'm going to London tomorrow, and I'm not excited for the travelling about on the trains, as I'll be on my own, but to be honest I have just charged my Ipod and I've got a rather interesting book to read - this may mean the travelling goes by a little quicker.
I really hate doing things on my own.
I've had to do a lot on my own at the moment and it's starting to take it's toll, I hate spending my nights alone, it's getting annoying, just having someone to cuddle would be lovely!

Oh, and thanks to you I keep staring at my phone - hoping you've text me or something, which is ridiculous! Why? I don't even know you that well, and I've seen you like 3/4 times? This is so stupid!

Gah! Sleep time.. Sleeping fixes everything!

♥Stone Sour.

I've seen it all and I know better -
I've felt the bitterness and pain
My soul keeps changing like the weather -
the only constant is the rain
I've known your black and white intentions and there's no room
For shades of gray
I never asked you to conform to me...
I only begged for you to stay

I waited here tonight for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here

I still have dreams that we're together
And I can still taste your skin
Reminders all around surrounded by your light -
I don't want to die again
I don't deserve to be discovered -
I don't deserve to know you care
I only want my promised other... not someone who isn't there

I waited here tonight for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here

Oh, I waited here all night for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
I waited here all night for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here...

why am I feeling like this?

You're not mine.
How can I feel this way right now?
This is getting ridiculous!
I need to get away, far, far away!
Please stop it.




'It's all your fault,
you called me beautiful.'

This weekend is going to

be the end of all this.

I'm going to change, and I don't care what it takes, because this needs to be done.
I'm going to grow a pair and do what I want!
I'm going to get stuck into uni work, and make myself proud.
I'm going to make every minute count.
I'm going to lose weight, the last half a stone of my aim.
I'm going to draw, paint and make the art I want to!
I'm going to become a better person.

This weekend will see the last of me, and how I feel right now, I'm fed up of holding my breath and hiding everything, I'm fed up of holding back because I'm worried about what people will think of me. Thank you for making me realise how stupid I've been and how I've just let people walk all over me, making me feel worthless and good for nothing. That is no way to live and I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to realise this. So don't even think about trying anything like that on me again, because you'll be shocked. I honestly don't know why I let that happen, you made me feel sick inside, and I'm truly disgusted by you, how do you sleep at night?
I'm fully aware that in life you make mistakes, and god only knows I've made some big ones, but I will not let them stop me from becoming who I'm supposed to be in this endless crap-cycle that is life.

You watch.. You'll wish you'd never hurt me like this.
The end.

I'm starting to

miss having someone to cuddle at night.

Someone to tell all my worries to, and someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I just want to be wrapped up in someones arms.. and having them stroke my hair so I can fall asleep content and feeling safe. Not having that is making me feel so alone, I hadn't realised how alone I am sometimes, even a phone call would be nice.
The nights are hard, I need someone to be here with me....
This sucks.

I found this quote...

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

It was a friends facebook status.
I like it a lot... And it makes me think.
I want to write a list of names of people that I really need to thank for their time, and meeting them and mostly for everything they have even done for me, so here goes:
- Steph 'Ginge' Burnham, Amy Jayne Butterworth, Natalie Stead.
My best friends, the only people that have put up with me for 7/8 years or more, I wouldn't be able to live without these guys keeping me strong, I only hope I'm doing the same for them.
- Jenny Prismall and Laura Angus.
The best people ever! :) I love how they both make me smile, even when we were suffering in art or textiles lessons.
- Sam, Dom, mum and dad Taylor :)
I know people go on about how much you can't choose your family, but I got given a pretty awesome bunch. I wouldn't change them for the world, I love them more than I could ever say.
- Tracey, Jess and Aaron Chesney ♥
My second family, and even though we're lost an angel, that doesn't take him from my heart. I love you all so much, and I'm so grateful for growing up with you!#
- Lini! :)
She gets her own little space, meeting her at uni has been awesome. I don't think I'd have survived without her. She must be sick of me by now :)

I really felt like I needed to write this. As lame and cliche as it is, it really had to be done. I love them all so much, and I'm just in that kind of mood.

Time makes this

so much harder.

I don't know where I stand right now, or what I'm meant to be feeling.
If I'm honest all I feel is numb, I can't feel anything, it's not like I haven't tried to, because my God I've tried to feel something! You've made this so damn hard for me, and a select few aren't helping! I know you want what's best for us/him/me/whoever but you are just making this worse.. Sometimes I get upset, but I don't know why, I'm mad at myself, and I shouldn't be, I'm supposed to be making myself feel better. So I'll write it here first:

Please back the hell off.
I'm not ready for all this, give me time!
It's been a week, ONE, so chill out yes? Let me get my head around this, because little do you know this wasn't an easy decision, it took me a couple of months to decide and IT HURT to do so. There are only a couple of people I even spoke to about this, and without them I don't think I'd have come this far, I'd have stayed unhappy, living on the outskirts of what used to be an amazing relationship. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and for that I'm sorry, but I think I'll be okay without a relationship, I can really focus on my art work and I can become more independent and GROW UP!
So give me time to figure out what ever is going on in the mess that is my head, and when I'm done I'll get back to you, we'll talk, maybe you'll even learn from this?

But for now, leave me alone.
End of discussion.

It's funny

how one song can describe how you feel better than any other thing in the world, now yesterday Ricky gave me a pile of Cd's to put on my laptop, one of them being Stone Sour's latest album Audio Secrecy. There is one song on there, well if I'm honest a few songs, but one in particular that really gets to me, so I'm going to post the lyrics, so you know how I feel right now.

Some things are better off forgotten,
We bury them in places that we really only visit by ourselves,
Oh, and you were a version like no other,
Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you see is gone,
What's the sense in anything, when what they say is wrong?
Oh, what do you wanna hear?
Do you wanna know how many times
I tore my self apart 'cause your not here?
And oh, what do you wanna know?
Does it make you feel alive
To know I had to die to finally let you go?
Stop me, I find myself believing,
A story gets rewritten so a blasphemy is permitted once again,
Oh, and you were so perfectly imperfect,
Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you have are lies.
What's the sense in anything, it's just one more goodbye?
Oh, what do you wanna hear?
Do you wanna know how many times
I tore my self apart 'cause your not here?
And oh, what do you wanna know?
Does it make you feel alive
To know I had to die to finally let you go?



This explains things better than I ever could.
I think I'm done with this, it's finally time for me to live for myself.
It's been a long time coming, but now I can be myself.

Today I realised...

I have a lot to do!
So I'm going to do something about this, and I will do it well!
I've got to get my act together this week, I'm going to wipe out all distractions, bar comedy tomorrow night and get working!
So.. Aims for this week:

- Get some more practical work done, at least 4 or 5 pieces.
- Start taking photos/documenting the outcomes.
- Artist research NEEDS developing.
- Get working on my own drawing and painting (research references).
- Make sure to research any decent exhibitions that are on.

That will get me started, and I'm sure once I've done everything on this list I'll be up to date with my studio work, ready to do the written documentation and statement, so I'll be well on the way to passing the assessment in 4 weeks time.

I'll blog again later to see how much I can manage in a day.. Please don't hold your breath! :D I NEED to get out of this lazy student routine... *Sigh*

Home again.

Back in Reading.
Week 5.
Goshh, I have 4 weeks until my assessment.
This means work...


Bad times.

:(

'Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone.
Too often we're too stubborn to say, 'Sorry, I was wrong.'
Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts,
and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.'

Tonight I liked this on facebook, it really sums everything up.
I'm going to shut you out, I need to, I can't do this when you're trying to get me back, I don't want or need you right now. I am not sure when or if I ever will. I've seen how good things can be without you, and I don't want that to go away, I've not been this happy in a long time! I honestly hope that one day you'll see I'm happy and you'll accept this and maybe even feel happy for me.. Right now what you're doing isn't fair. GROW UP.

Your words

they are piercing my heart.
You're ripping me apart ever so slowly.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I can't blog right now.

I've been writing my blog things on paper, I can't quite get the courage to write up my thoughts and feelings on here right now. I'm not too sure if I'm hurting or not, which is silly really, as that is usually something you tend to be aware of.

I've not slept well for the past three nights, and I can't listen to my itunes without getting upset, but I know this will go in time. I need to gain some strength from some where, so if anyone has any going spare, set me some?

Anyway, things to keep my mind off of things are:
- I bought Beauty and the Beast on DVD but need someone to get the security thing keeping the case closed off so I can watch it!!! Bad times!
- Sam's 17th birthday is tomorrow! :) I've wrapped everything, and done the card, so I'm ready!! But I'm annoyed the Jets people didn't get back to me, so that plan failed, which is royally annoying.
- I've got tons of notes to sort out, both to write up and to organise into a folder, I'm not too sure if I even have any folders to organise the notes into!!
- I need to get some drawing done.
- I need to sort out my money management.
- I'm going to write a Christmas list! :)

That will do for this weekend.. alongside work, I think that's enough to keep me busy.

SHIT.

Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.

Maybe..

just maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm in too deep, far too deep to come back to you.
What have I done to myself?

Sometimes all I want is you, but I'm beginning to think maybe that's just the routine, that's how I think it's meant to be? I am so lost. I need a break from everything, to sort out my head, but so far that hasn't gone well at all. I'm such a retard, I've got so much to say, but saying it would hurt you, I couldn't bare that.
You've done so much for me.
I don't want to loose you but we've come to far for this to end, and for us to be civil to each other.. Maybe I'm just scared.
Maybe I should man up!
My god this is so ridiculous.
Why have I dug myself into this hole..?
I only hope I sort this out before anyone gets hurt.
Especially you.
For this and anything else.. I'm sorry.

Is about to buy this lovely book...

Thank God for Carly, she just found it online 35% off and free delivery!! I am so happy, because waterstones let me down twice today, as did HMV! Idiots!
YAY!

... sigh.

My excuses let me down, as do my emotions.


On another note, I have really been slacking on the drawing front, SO as of tomorrow I will be getting out the sketchbook, and drawing! :D It's been too long!