Last blog of 2010.

so how's about a little round up.
I'm not quite sure exactly how I feel about 2010, so many things have happened - both good and bad. I'm ending the year feeling happy though so I guess overall it's not too bad? Here's a little round up of things that have happened this year....

My obsession with Ville Valo has calmed down drastically since the beginning of the year - and in March I saw HIM live! :) In November I met Kat Von D ♥!!! <- Of which I must metion David who saved my photos!!! :) Uni went from being shit to not so shit, I'm well on the way to a first - SCORE! Hayley and Lini are awesome and two of the best people ever! I am now well on the way to growing up.. Dad's heart operation helped out with that - that was the shittiest summer ever! I was working so much over summer and did not get to spend any of the money! I've become single - turned out to be a good thing though, as I am doing much better - I've lost a stone and a bit in weight which makes me a size 12 again!!! :D I am a little bit more confident and don't think so badly about myself. I have become closer to my family, and my dad said he was proud of me - he has even told other people about my achievements and how he was proud of them!! My goals in life have changed and I am more driven to do better in life. My journal is my best friend - well, after my sister - who is simply amazing and just gets me! I wouldn't have lasted this year without her ♥!

So things I'd like to do in 2011....
Take more photos! Get my grades up and do well in my dissertation. Go on a long holiday for my 21st - Italy perhaps? Get back into my drawing/sketching - I've been slacking in that department. Go to more gigs and art exhibitions! Just generally have more fun and make more memories.

I just going to write a little thank you to everyone for the support you've given me this year, both with uni and with Dad. You know who you are - I can't write every one's names, I know I'll forget someone! But I want to thank a few people especially - Sam ♥ Lini, Hayley & Gablove! Ginge & Mayme. Lisa & Marky. David Bevan & Nats. I don't know whether I'd have come this far without you, I can't thank you enough for everything! Anyway... enough mush - more new year celebrations! I can't wait to bring in the new year with my lovely sister - in our onesies!!! ♥ I love our special times! See you later blog.


Happy New Year! :)

:|

Play your game and walk away, your integrity don't mean shit
Crawl on me you fucking parasite, and I'm gonna take you out.

Sorry.

I'll do a blog about today's events tomorrow, with photos and stuff - but for tonight all you're getting is angry Steph - for that I'm sorry.

WTF!?!? I have no idea what you're trying to pull but it's not clever - or funny for that matter! I'd appreciate know what the fuck you think you are doing? This is getting stupid! Please stop being such a dick and GROW UP! I am not a door mat, and I won't let you treat me like this! I didn't expect it from you, there are a few people I know that are capable of this... but you?? I am so disappointed!

I've wound my self up so much in the past hour, and it has reached the point of me going to Starbucks at silly times.. well half 11 at night (I'm lucky that I live so close to a 24hr Starbucks)!! I need to chill out, I think I'm going to shove on some true blood and draw till I fall asleep. Also I'm seeing Amy tomorrow, that makes me smile, so I'll think of her as I draw - I haven't felt like this in ages.

♥ Family.

Lewis Canute. Cutest cousin ever!

I have never had so much fun.

I'll miss them now that they've gone back to Italy, I have to wait until August to see them all again, which sucks.

Landaaaan.

Miss Heather Marsh and myself have just organised a day trip to London for this Thursday! So far the plans are:

- Madame Tussauds.
- Lunchies in Covent Garden.
- Starbucks.

Oh it's going to be lovely! I hope to get a photo of myself with Andy Warhol :) and Sly Stallone, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Harry Potter oh so many people! I'd better clear out my camera so I've got enough memory. I have missed spending time with Miss Marsh, it's been so long since uni, for both of us. Still, better now than never.

Also I'm having a lazy night in with true blood and my Starbucks, although it's almost finished now.. BAD TIMES! I wish they were bottomless, and stayed hot! Actually come to think of it, maybe I should sort out my addiction to Starbucks, I have spent far too much money there recently! Ahh well! :)

Okay, so kids aren't that bad..

This evening, I was playing with my young Italian cousins, they are 3 and 5 years old - they are crazy fools! I have never had so much fun though! Spinning around, throwing Lewis on the sofa, blowing raspberries and just general childish madness! After two hours I was knackered though...
It was so lovely to spend time with Lisa and her bunch, it's a pain that we meet up once a year, if we're lucky twice - although it does make nights like tonight worth every minute! Lisa cooked an amazing lasagne then we stuffed ourselves silly with chocolates. I can't get over how lovely my dad's side of the family are, I am actually very grateful to be a part of the Taylor family, as crazy as everyone is, I wouldn't change a single one of them!

Overall.... today has been rather lovely.

La la la....

so this morning I've been singing, very badly, and very loudly! SUCH FUN! My singing is so bad that I think my mother is counting down the days till I go back to Reading... Ahh well, you're only young once. Have fun, rattle a few cages! :)

Boxing Day.

what a waste of a day.
The lecture notes are out, and after I've done the write ups that need finishing off I will begin my essay. Easy enough question to get my head around, but finding the right subject matter within the text is proving to be a pain in the arse, however I will find a decent topic, and I will get a decent grade. Well - I'll try to my best to get decent grade, although to be fair as long as it's similar to if not higher than my last two essays things will be fine. Oh, how I hate essay writing, or any kind of written coursework. Now if they asked me to write a lovely handwritten letter, maybe it would be easier for me to get a first... I am obviously not smart enough for uni, why did I bother? Ah well, I'm into the second year now, no turning back at this point, that would make be such a hypocrite! Damn... Guess I'd better work hard then!

Anyway, bar the essay stuff, I'm really struggling with today. I'm listening to Stone Sour, and if I'm perfectly honest the lyrics are starting to really get to me, never before has a band upset me like these guys manage to - not in a bad way. They just have the words to really hit me where it hurts... Which makes listening to them a little bit harder than I'd like, especially as I love this album so damn much.
I think I'm going to start work on my new years resolution, now I don't usually make any, but this year I think I need to - some things have got to change.
Favourite song of the day: Stone Sour - Unfinished.♥

Fa la la la la go fuck yourself!

:) I had the best time catching up with mark...
Cooking, chatting and drinking becks. Lovely!

To be honest I was a little let down that Santa didn't bring me Corey Taylor this year, but did bring me a slipknot CD.. hmm.. Maybe I'll let him off?
Oh, and FYI.. I love being ignored.. It really gives me the best feelings of my life - thank you - you royal pain in my arse, enough now.

And I'll leave you with a lovely Christmas message from Mr Corey Taylor.

:)

If only.
'This was something I couldn't have, and that just made me want it more.'

It's christmas eve...

I'm seeing my gorgeous Amy in a matter of minutes, and to be honest that's going to be the highlight of today.. Not as excited for tomorrow as one might of hoped, but maybe when it comes to it there will be a little more Christmas spirit floating around my mind..? Who knows.

I bet we'll attempt silly family things, like sit around the telly watching the programs organised for Christmas eve. We'll most likely end up watching Love Actually, like we do every Christmas - I don't mind, but I've come to realise how only a couple of the story lines would ever actually happen - and to be fair the ones that would are the ones where people get let down..

Bring it on.

I've been here before...

a few times.
And I'm quite aware we're dying.

Pretty Woman.

How beautiful is she?
I do love this film, one of the very few chick flicks that I do enjoy.

Courage is..

the discovery that you may not win, and trying when you know you can lose.

:)

Yes please?

Missing you angel.

I miss you Aaron, so so much. If only you knew how much people are thinking about you, and missing you - I think we'd have made you so proud!
Every now and then I think up a new little memory about you, I'd write it all on your page, but it'll take up far too much space. The one for today was when we went to see Hagrid's hut! :) I was watching Harry Potter with Sam, and was like 'you didn't get to come with us HAHA!' Was a crazy time, your dad told us that he'd kick the foxes if they came too close! Gosh.. that all seems like so long ago! Can't wait to catch up on the other side, we should grab a few drinks.. :) I can take it now LOL.. maybe not the way you can but I'll try and keep up.

Love you boy xx

I'll miss Strictly.

Gavin Henson.
:) He has made my weekends, watching is attempts at dancing have been so entertaining... And I thought he'd left my tellybox, but no! He came back for a final dance, and took his shirt off.. Lovely!
I just want to also write about Artem, he and Kara won this series, which I am SO happy about if I'm honest. But, it has come to my attention how lovely he is... He cares so much for Kara, and says the most sweetest things about her, I'd quite like a man like him - if that's not too much to ask for?

If only..

you thought I was worth the effort...
I'm honestly gutted.
Maybe it's just me being stupid, I guess that's not really a change from any other event in my life. Who needs friends anyway? I'll be alright on my own, it'll be a good thing, I'll learn from it and become stronger.


Oh and I'm going to start watching Buffy from the start of series 1, all the way through to the end, I wish I had someone to cuddle up to while I watch it. Meh, can't have everything.. or anything as it seems at the moment...
Bring on Christmas!


:(

Home for christmas.

I'm so glad that this term is over! As much as I've enjoyed this term (I've actually really enjoyed myself!), it's going to be nice to get a few lie-ins and get my eating/sleeping patterns back to normal.

Oh, yea. Also Lisa and that are coming over to England on Monday - so damn excited! I've got so much going on over the next week, and then it's the big family gathering for Christmas day! It's gunna be awesome.

Currently listening to - Buckcherry.
I was advised them by a friend, and they aren't that bad.. In fact I quite like his voice, reminds me of Steve Tyler - kind of? Maybe? Ahh well.. It's good music so.. Carry on..
Currently reading - Art-Language (Vol1Issue1)
Damn essay reading.. Making a start on my essay tomorrow so I've got a lot of reading to do - better make a start ASAP.

You were my fire.. so I burned.

Now there's nothing left of me.

65!

Damn right!
I got 5 marks off of a first! A 2:1 isn't bad at all, especially for the first term as it means I can only do better! All that stress was totally worth it! I can relax now...

How I miss someone to hold...

when hope begins to fade.. ♥

it's all your fault...

You called me beautiful.
You turned me out,
and now I can't turn back.
I hold my breath,
because you were perfect,
but I'm running out of air
and it's not fair.

Stone Sour ♥

Let's be honest - I watched you walk away
You went off to find - anything else - anything less
I guess...
I´m only honest - I'm only here to say, yeah
You've been gone so long - everything else - is already less
On your own...

I'm a Slave - I will Beg
All I want is something better - something that is safe
You can say - you will stay
But I know fucking better - you will never change.

More art... less ranting.

This is a piece by Mark Ryden called 'Awakening the Moon' that I saw at the Frieze Fair this year. It's beautiful.
Oh.. and so my blogs shall start to contain more arty images and more of my own drawings - therefore less of my ranting, which is always good!

This evening

has been rather odd.

Today I've been through so many emotions, I've been completely pissed off, calm and content and even all panicky/anxious, it's been crazy - where it has come from is any ones guess... I'm really getting tired of this, so to be fair when Christmas comes things will be much better - firstly Lisa is coming from Italy with the boys!! And secondly I'll get out of Reading, away from art, and back home to some familiarity, which is odd because I always thought home was the problem. Seems my thoughts are all over the place, it'll be great to get back into going on walks, taking my journal out into the vast fields and greenery that is Hedgerley. One week to go till I come home, lets get through that first - especially as I get my assessment results on Thursday.


Wish me luck!

So glad!!

This week has been so damn stressful! Alas.. It's all over now! All my assessment work is done and handed in, only got essay prep-work to do for Friday.


Oh!
I realised something today.

I don't actually care, I was so stupid to even think half the things I did about you - it's taken me a week and a half, but I have finally realised you mean nothing. Thank you - You made me realise that I am worth so much more than you gave me credit for!

Somedays..

it feels like I've got this scrawled across my forehead:


Hi.
I'm Steph,
Feel free to tell me I'm beautiful, or that you care, or that you want to spend time with me, and then go ahead and treat me like shit... I don't mind.
Honest.



I'm fed up of feeling low.
Also, I'm fed up of people saying they'll do things, or just generally saying things to me then taking it back, or ignoring me, or as I've recently found out telling me things and mocking me behind my back to their friends! What a kick in the balls.. or where ever the equivalent is for a girl. It sure does make you feel like it's worth waking up in the morning.... Not!

It's more

than I can stand.



I will always love this scene.
Note to self: buy the soundtrack!

Dear Documentation...

If you would be so kind as to fuck off - that would be greatly appreciated.
Thanks.



Yours sincerely


One very frustrated.
Stephanie Taylor.

I've seen you cry

way too many times,
when you deserve to be alive..


I hope you are okay my love, it's killing me to know I can't be by your side, helping you get better. I think about you everyday! I just don't want to bombard you with questions, seeing if you are okay - I know that's not what you need right now. I hope you know I love you, and I'm only a phone call away if you need me.
♥♥

A few pages of my journal..

I can only show you the doodles I'm afraid :D

I'm very proud of this unicorn, although the scan doesn't do it any justice. A simple drawing, yet it means a lot to me. I don't often draw things like this.

I must stop listening to music, it's really making me an aggressive person - but disturbed are just so damn awesome, and right now I need to listen to them.

Oh and this.. a mixture of a skull and a tree..
Odd I know - but they were things I did during a meeting, so there was no method to the drawings, drawing them just kept me quiet :)

Why? Why do I keep on doing this?

I have to stop torturing myself with this.
I'm worth so much more than this!



I have talked to a few friends recently, and they keep asking me why I am constantly thinking so badly about myself (even more so lately).. To which I reply 'I can't help it,' - when one person that actually means something to me makes a harsh or bad comment, it sticks. Also I'm starting to believe that I have this stupid need to please people, and when I can't - I constantly battle to find out why I'm not making them happy the way I should. It's getting silly.
You aren't helping (may I just point that out)!
None of you or any of you. You are all just floating around getting on with your day to day lives, while I am left feeling like.. well, I don't know what. It's always good to know that when you feel down... actually I won't finish that sentence.. I think I'll leave it, you just figure it out and get back to me when YOU have the time, because obviously you have more important things to do right now.

GAH!!!! Dickheads!!!


Now it's pretty clear how much I use the word 'I' in my blogs, but at the moment I'm trying to self-assess myself, figure out why the past few weeks, even months have been so hard to deal with. So I don't really care! :D

I swallow my pride..

but I won't forget what I want.





It really is amazing how much music helps you get through certain points in life, and how much it helps you to realise that you can be strong. It is not a big deal if you are upset, but you can grown from it, and move on. I'll be stronger after this, and you know what.. I'd love to see you try and worm your way back now!
Good luck.

Turns out...

I know more about art than I thought, and my studio practise isn't failing as much as I said it was! I think rather than fail the assessment I may just about pass :) I'd like to hope for a 2:2... but we'll see how the documentation turns out.


In other news, I bought a new journal the other day, the pages are filling up quickly. The jottings and doodles are crazy, I feel so content when I'm writing in it, but then someone will talk to me and that contentment is lost. My mind just isn't where I want it to be right now, I need to get back into a better frame of mind! Oh, and I can't stop listening to Disturbed right now, which doesn't help the frame of mind at all! I think I'll scan a few of the journal pages in and show you what's going on in this whirlpool of a mind.

This work

will kill me..

Sat in the library trying to bash out something that sounds like I know how to talk about contemporary art, when really I can't even string a sentence out about normal everyday things.. My words are shite, utter, utter shite! Dear lord I'll fail this assessment again!

It's like..

one of those bad dreams,
where you can't wake up.


oh... PS.. It's so damn cold in my room, I can't go anywhere without being wrapped up in my blanket. Although to be fair, we have hot water again, so I guess that's going to make up for it a little, I do love a nice hot shower - but coming back into this room afterwards is the part I'm dreading!

Thank you for this.

It's great.
I no longer feel like I'm worth peoples time or efforts.
You really don't know what you've done...
You were perfect... well obviously not!

3 years

and I feel next to nothing.

You're around one month or so....
Tell me goodbye and I'm broken.

How is this even possible?
Thanks.. My heart is broken.


'I waited here all night for a miracle,
but miracles don't happen here.'

Best day ever!

♥ Cannot express how much I loved meeting her, she was so pretty. I cannot believe I met her, I hope she read my letter... BIGGEST GEEK EVER!

I got the call...

David managed to save my photographs from the book signing! I'm so relieved that he's saved it, so as of tomorrow evening it will become the background for my laptop, and my profile picture on face book. Oh deary me, I probably shouldn't be so excited about one picture, but - Kat Von D - my idol!

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Yesterday!

Best day ever!
We queued outside Waterstones In Piccadilly from 10.30am till 3.30, (when we got to sit inside and queue) then at half 5 ish Kat comes in! I was so damn excited, I think I must of made a tit out of myself in front of the people that we'd met standing in the queue, but to be honest WHO CARES!?!?! I got to meet one of my two favourite people ever! My lord, I looked rough - hat hair and rosy cheeks from the cold.. obviously Kat looked amazing! We were allowed to have a photo with her, mine was pretty awesome even though I looked shit!

BUT..

When I got home, I put my memory card into a reader then into the computer, when the computer decides to wipe off all the contents of my card! I'm so pissed off, but David is recovering the photos as I blog, I am waiting for a message telling me he's found the photos I took and the one taken of me and Kat... I honestly don't know what I'll do if it's lost forever :( I'll cry. Until then this is a photo one of the journalists took of her :)


BEST DAY EVER!♥

Today..

I'm in a much better mood.


I've been researching Eva Rothschild and I understand it.. YAY!
I'll show you things later :)

It looks like

you've given up, you've had enough.
But I want more....

bad times...

I found this drawing...

This isn't my drawing, I found it online, now I know it belongs to an artist, but I cannot for the life of me remember her name... If anyone knows please message me it, I'd like to give them credit for the drawing. Anyway, I'd like to recreate a drawing of this, in my own way.. using different materials and stuff but mainly just because I need a release and I think drawing something I actually WANT to draw will help.


We'll see I guess.

i'm waiting in the dark

for miracles.
but miracles don't happen here....


Part of me wishes you'd show up unexpected, and tell me everything is going to be okay, that you want me, and that you won't forget me. Please stop doing this, I can't take much more of it, you don't know how much you're breaking me. The worst part is the music that's making it all harder was given to me by you! God what the hell is wrong with me, I'm NEVER like this, I've not been myself and I can't explain why, but all that makes sense is how I felt, when you were holding me. GOD THIS IS SO STUPID! You don't even care, you have spoon fed me bullshit, and I've just taken it all in.. Can't you prove that you meant what you said? That when you said you had feelings that they were real?? Come show me..

Please.

Lyrics.

They really are the best at describing me, I know I say this a lot, but today as I walked onto campus I listened to Pink's album Funhouse - something I'll admit I've been listening to a hell of a lot! I can't help it, it is so true to my life right now, it's unreal. There are a few songs on that album that relate so well to my current situation, and I am so sure that listening to them is actually breaking my heart, because I'm starting to realise how hurt I'm going to be soon. Give it a month and things are going to change, and I don't think I want them to, not that I really have any control over the subject.
I wish you would see how I feel, and I wish you'd come and help me deal with it, after all you seem to be the reason my head and heart are acting this way. It is so unusual for me to feel this way, I've even turned to drinking to help numb it out - ask anyone, that is NOT something I usually do at all, I barely drink more than 2 drinks in a night, and last night... my god did I drink! The thing about it is, it made me feel better! Even though the intention was wrong, I think it helped, but now I feel like I did before the mass amounts of alcohol were consumed, so now I find myself finding any excuse to go out at night, just to get wasted again..

I promised myself I wouldn't feel this way.
Now look.
Thanks...


It's all your fault, you called me beautiful.
You turned me out, and now I can't turn back.
I hold my breath, because you were perfect,
but I'm running out of breath, and it's not fair.

I wish I listened to things...

If you are trapped between your feelings and what other people think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy.

Unless you want everybody else to be happy except you.
♥

Well...

that game was a load of horseshite if I'm honest, what the hell were the Jets thinking?? Also... why was Paddy Ward on the ice? Can't even pass to his own team members!!! 3-7 loss... Ridiculous!

On another note...
MAKE UP YOUR MIND!
It's not too much to ask surely??
Dear god!

It's like..

you're the swing set,
and I'm the child that falls.. ♥

I think I'm just going to hide behind lyrics.
They stop this from being reality, and I don' think I can cope too well with the harshness of reality right now, I won't do it, I can't do it.

Please don't stand there, watching me break down, because I'm trying so hard to make this easier for you cope with, but have you even thought about what you're doing to me? I thought not.
Don't pretend that you care.

Killing Loneliness...

This isn't mine before you ask :)

:) This made my morning..

Yes, I'm going to watch Harry Potter tonight. I'm happy actually because I haven't been to the cinema since my birthday, which was in August. Plus I'm going with Lini and Dario, so it should be a laugh :)

You were my fire..

so I burned,
now there's nothing left of me.





I haven't enjoyed an album as much as I love 'Audio Secrecy' by Stone Sour in a long time!

It's lovely when I get post..

especially when it's from Italy.
My cousin replied!! :) Today was going so badly until I came home to find this letter, the biggest smile was on my face for the rest enough of the evening.

Today as I just said - has been utter shite, I have had the worst headache since about 11 o'clock this morning, and I've run out of paracetamol and money for that matter.. I haven't been able to have my usual 'get over the headache nap' which has left me in a horrid mood. On top of that, my friend bailed on our plans, so I have spent the evening alone.. well that's a lie - I had some yummy pizza with Lini. :) Oh, and I'm going to London tomorrow, and I'm not excited for the travelling about on the trains, as I'll be on my own, but to be honest I have just charged my Ipod and I've got a rather interesting book to read - this may mean the travelling goes by a little quicker.
I really hate doing things on my own.
I've had to do a lot on my own at the moment and it's starting to take it's toll, I hate spending my nights alone, it's getting annoying, just having someone to cuddle would be lovely!

Oh, and thanks to you I keep staring at my phone - hoping you've text me or something, which is ridiculous! Why? I don't even know you that well, and I've seen you like 3/4 times? This is so stupid!

Gah! Sleep time.. Sleeping fixes everything!

♥Stone Sour.

I've seen it all and I know better -
I've felt the bitterness and pain
My soul keeps changing like the weather -
the only constant is the rain
I've known your black and white intentions and there's no room
For shades of gray
I never asked you to conform to me...
I only begged for you to stay

I waited here tonight for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here

I still have dreams that we're together
And I can still taste your skin
Reminders all around surrounded by your light -
I don't want to die again
I don't deserve to be discovered -
I don't deserve to know you care
I only want my promised other... not someone who isn't there

I waited here tonight for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here

Oh, I waited here all night for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
I waited here all night for you to come
But your love just disappeared
I'm waiting in the dark for miracles
But miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here
Miracles don't happen here...

why am I feeling like this?

You're not mine.
How can I feel this way right now?
This is getting ridiculous!
I need to get away, far, far away!
Please stop it.




'It's all your fault,
you called me beautiful.'

This weekend is going to

be the end of all this.

I'm going to change, and I don't care what it takes, because this needs to be done.
I'm going to grow a pair and do what I want!
I'm going to get stuck into uni work, and make myself proud.
I'm going to make every minute count.
I'm going to lose weight, the last half a stone of my aim.
I'm going to draw, paint and make the art I want to!
I'm going to become a better person.

This weekend will see the last of me, and how I feel right now, I'm fed up of holding my breath and hiding everything, I'm fed up of holding back because I'm worried about what people will think of me. Thank you for making me realise how stupid I've been and how I've just let people walk all over me, making me feel worthless and good for nothing. That is no way to live and I cannot believe that it has taken me so long to realise this. So don't even think about trying anything like that on me again, because you'll be shocked. I honestly don't know why I let that happen, you made me feel sick inside, and I'm truly disgusted by you, how do you sleep at night?
I'm fully aware that in life you make mistakes, and god only knows I've made some big ones, but I will not let them stop me from becoming who I'm supposed to be in this endless crap-cycle that is life.

You watch.. You'll wish you'd never hurt me like this.
The end.

I'm starting to

miss having someone to cuddle at night.

Someone to tell all my worries to, and someone to tell me everything is going to be okay. I just want to be wrapped up in someones arms.. and having them stroke my hair so I can fall asleep content and feeling safe. Not having that is making me feel so alone, I hadn't realised how alone I am sometimes, even a phone call would be nice.
The nights are hard, I need someone to be here with me....
This sucks.

I found this quote...

“If I never met you, I wouldn't like you. If I didn't like you, I wouldn't love you. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't miss you. But I did, I do, and I will.”

It was a friends facebook status.
I like it a lot... And it makes me think.
I want to write a list of names of people that I really need to thank for their time, and meeting them and mostly for everything they have even done for me, so here goes:
- Steph 'Ginge' Burnham, Amy Jayne Butterworth, Natalie Stead.
My best friends, the only people that have put up with me for 7/8 years or more, I wouldn't be able to live without these guys keeping me strong, I only hope I'm doing the same for them.
- Jenny Prismall and Laura Angus.
The best people ever! :) I love how they both make me smile, even when we were suffering in art or textiles lessons.
- Sam, Dom, mum and dad Taylor :)
I know people go on about how much you can't choose your family, but I got given a pretty awesome bunch. I wouldn't change them for the world, I love them more than I could ever say.
- Tracey, Jess and Aaron Chesney ♥
My second family, and even though we're lost an angel, that doesn't take him from my heart. I love you all so much, and I'm so grateful for growing up with you!#
- Lini! :)
She gets her own little space, meeting her at uni has been awesome. I don't think I'd have survived without her. She must be sick of me by now :)

I really felt like I needed to write this. As lame and cliche as it is, it really had to be done. I love them all so much, and I'm just in that kind of mood.

Time makes this

so much harder.

I don't know where I stand right now, or what I'm meant to be feeling.
If I'm honest all I feel is numb, I can't feel anything, it's not like I haven't tried to, because my God I've tried to feel something! You've made this so damn hard for me, and a select few aren't helping! I know you want what's best for us/him/me/whoever but you are just making this worse.. Sometimes I get upset, but I don't know why, I'm mad at myself, and I shouldn't be, I'm supposed to be making myself feel better. So I'll write it here first:

Please back the hell off.
I'm not ready for all this, give me time!
It's been a week, ONE, so chill out yes? Let me get my head around this, because little do you know this wasn't an easy decision, it took me a couple of months to decide and IT HURT to do so. There are only a couple of people I even spoke to about this, and without them I don't think I'd have come this far, I'd have stayed unhappy, living on the outskirts of what used to be an amazing relationship. I know this isn't what you want to hear, and for that I'm sorry, but I think I'll be okay without a relationship, I can really focus on my art work and I can become more independent and GROW UP!
So give me time to figure out what ever is going on in the mess that is my head, and when I'm done I'll get back to you, we'll talk, maybe you'll even learn from this?

But for now, leave me alone.
End of discussion.

It's funny

how one song can describe how you feel better than any other thing in the world, now yesterday Ricky gave me a pile of Cd's to put on my laptop, one of them being Stone Sour's latest album Audio Secrecy. There is one song on there, well if I'm honest a few songs, but one in particular that really gets to me, so I'm going to post the lyrics, so you know how I feel right now.

Some things are better off forgotten,
We bury them in places that we really only visit by ourselves,
Oh, and you were a version like no other,
Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you see is gone,
What's the sense in anything, when what they say is wrong?
Oh, what do you wanna hear?
Do you wanna know how many times
I tore my self apart 'cause your not here?
And oh, what do you wanna know?
Does it make you feel alive
To know I had to die to finally let you go?
Stop me, I find myself believing,
A story gets rewritten so a blasphemy is permitted once again,
Oh, and you were so perfectly imperfect,
Oh, they never tell you what to do when all you have are lies.
What's the sense in anything, it's just one more goodbye?
Oh, what do you wanna hear?
Do you wanna know how many times
I tore my self apart 'cause your not here?
And oh, what do you wanna know?
Does it make you feel alive
To know I had to die to finally let you go?



This explains things better than I ever could.
I think I'm done with this, it's finally time for me to live for myself.
It's been a long time coming, but now I can be myself.

Today I realised...

I have a lot to do!
So I'm going to do something about this, and I will do it well!
I've got to get my act together this week, I'm going to wipe out all distractions, bar comedy tomorrow night and get working!
So.. Aims for this week:

- Get some more practical work done, at least 4 or 5 pieces.
- Start taking photos/documenting the outcomes.
- Artist research NEEDS developing.
- Get working on my own drawing and painting (research references).
- Make sure to research any decent exhibitions that are on.

That will get me started, and I'm sure once I've done everything on this list I'll be up to date with my studio work, ready to do the written documentation and statement, so I'll be well on the way to passing the assessment in 4 weeks time.

I'll blog again later to see how much I can manage in a day.. Please don't hold your breath! :D I NEED to get out of this lazy student routine... *Sigh*

Home again.

Back in Reading.
Week 5.
Goshh, I have 4 weeks until my assessment.
This means work...


Bad times.

:(

'Too often we don't realize what we have until it's gone.
Too often we're too stubborn to say, 'Sorry, I was wrong.'
Too often it seems we hurt the ones closest to our hearts,
and we let the most foolish things tear us apart.'

Tonight I liked this on facebook, it really sums everything up.
I'm going to shut you out, I need to, I can't do this when you're trying to get me back, I don't want or need you right now. I am not sure when or if I ever will. I've seen how good things can be without you, and I don't want that to go away, I've not been this happy in a long time! I honestly hope that one day you'll see I'm happy and you'll accept this and maybe even feel happy for me.. Right now what you're doing isn't fair. GROW UP.

Your words

they are piercing my heart.
You're ripping me apart ever so slowly.
I don't know how much more of this I can take.

I can't blog right now.

I've been writing my blog things on paper, I can't quite get the courage to write up my thoughts and feelings on here right now. I'm not too sure if I'm hurting or not, which is silly really, as that is usually something you tend to be aware of.

I've not slept well for the past three nights, and I can't listen to my itunes without getting upset, but I know this will go in time. I need to gain some strength from some where, so if anyone has any going spare, set me some?

Anyway, things to keep my mind off of things are:
- I bought Beauty and the Beast on DVD but need someone to get the security thing keeping the case closed off so I can watch it!!! Bad times!
- Sam's 17th birthday is tomorrow! :) I've wrapped everything, and done the card, so I'm ready!! But I'm annoyed the Jets people didn't get back to me, so that plan failed, which is royally annoying.
- I've got tons of notes to sort out, both to write up and to organise into a folder, I'm not too sure if I even have any folders to organise the notes into!!
- I need to get some drawing done.
- I need to sort out my money management.
- I'm going to write a Christmas list! :)

That will do for this weekend.. alongside work, I think that's enough to keep me busy.

SHIT.

Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck.

Maybe..

just maybe I don't know what I'm doing.
I'm in too deep, far too deep to come back to you.
What have I done to myself?

Sometimes all I want is you, but I'm beginning to think maybe that's just the routine, that's how I think it's meant to be? I am so lost. I need a break from everything, to sort out my head, but so far that hasn't gone well at all. I'm such a retard, I've got so much to say, but saying it would hurt you, I couldn't bare that.
You've done so much for me.
I don't want to loose you but we've come to far for this to end, and for us to be civil to each other.. Maybe I'm just scared.
Maybe I should man up!
My god this is so ridiculous.
Why have I dug myself into this hole..?
I only hope I sort this out before anyone gets hurt.
Especially you.
For this and anything else.. I'm sorry.

Is about to buy this lovely book...

Thank God for Carly, she just found it online 35% off and free delivery!! I am so happy, because waterstones let me down twice today, as did HMV! Idiots!
YAY!

... sigh.

My excuses let me down, as do my emotions.


On another note, I have really been slacking on the drawing front, SO as of tomorrow I will be getting out the sketchbook, and drawing! :D It's been too long!

Oh.. p.s

I love you x

I'd give it all...

just to have you back in my arms.
I am suffering without you in my life.

'I'd kill to share your pain.
And sell my soul, for you just to say,
Loves name in vain, again and again.'


Have me back?
Take me in your arms, and show me all the things you used to. God knows I miss it, and God only knows how much I miss it! You've taken the light with you, and I need it back. I thought this was the right choice, but only now do I realise that maybe there was more to us than I thought. I didn't give us a big enough chance. For that I only hope you can forgive me, and let me prove how wrong I was!



Please♥.

I should be in jail....

1. smoked.
2. consumed alcohol.
3. slept in the same bed with someone of the opposite sex.
4. slept in the same bed with someone of the same sex
5. kissed someone of the same sex.
6. had sex.
7. had someone in your room other than family.
8. watched porn.
9. bought porn.
10. tried drugs.
TOTAL: 8

1. taken painkillers.
2. taken someone else’s prescription medicine.
3. lied to your parents.
4. lied to a friend.
5. snuck out of the house.
6. done something illegal.
7. felt hurt.
8. hurt someone.
9. wished someone to die.
10. seen someone die.
TOTAL so far: 16

1. missed curfew.
2. stayed out all night.
3. eaten a carton of ice cream by yourself.
4. been to a therapist.
5. been to rehab
6. dyed your hair.
7. received a ticket.
8. been in an accident.
9. been to a club.
10. been to a bar
TOTAL so far: 24

1. been to a wild party.
2. been to a Mardi Gras parade.
3. drank more than three alcoholic beverages in a night.
4. had a spring break in Florida.
5. sniffed anything
6. wore black nail polish
7. wore arm bands.
8. wore t-shirts with band names.
9. listened to rap.
10. owned a 50 Cent CD.
TOTAL so far: 29

1. dressed gothic.
2. dressed girly.
3. dressed punk.
4. dressed grunge.
5. stolen something.
6. been too drunk to remember anything.
7. blacked out.
8. fainted.
9. had a crush on a neighbor.
TOTAL so far: 36

1. had a crush on a friend.
2. been to a concert.
3. dry-humped someone.
4. been called a slut.
5. called someone a slut.
6. installed speakers in your car.
7. broken a mirror.
8. showered at someone of the opposites sex’s house
9. brushed your teeth with someone else’s toothbrush.
TOTAL so far: 43

1. consider/considered Ludacris your favorite rapper.
2. seen an R-rated movie in theater.
3. cruised the mall.
4. skipped school.
5. had surgery.
6. had an injury.
7. gone to court.
8. walked out of a restaurant without paying/tipping.
9. caught something on fire.
10. lied about your age.
TOTAL so far: 49

1. owned/rented an apartment/house.
2. broke the law in the police’s presence.
3. made out with someone who had a gf/bf
4. got in trouble with the police.
5. talked to a stranger.
6. hugged a stranger.
7. kissed a stranger.
8. rode in the car with a stranger.
9. been harassed.
10.been verbally harassed.
TOTAL so far: 56

1. met face-to-face with someone you met online.
2. stayed online for 5+ hours straight.
3. talked on the phone for more than 4 hours straight.
4. watched TV for 5 hours straight.
5. been to a fair.
6. been called a bad influence.
7. drank and driven.
8. prank-called someone.
9. laid on a couch with someone of the opposite sex.
10. cheated on a test.
TOTAL so far: 64

Grand Total: 64

If you have less than 10, write “I’m a goody-goody”
If you have more than 10, write “I’m still a goody goody”
If you have more than 20, write “I’m average”
If you have more than 30, write “I’m a bad kid”
If you have more than 40, write “I’m a very bad influence”
If you have more than 50, write “I’m a horrible person”
If you have more than 60, write “I should be in jail”
If you have more than 70, write “I should be dead

It's been a while.

But I've been a bit busy to be honest.
I had a rather event full weekend, which has ended up in me feeling so relieved! I'm a very happy bunny this week, and it's only Tuesday. I went out to 'rock night' although to be honest they didn't play half as much of the decent music this time.. Which sucked. I woke up today feeling pretty good about myself.

Which rarely happens!

Can I just say, I wore a skirt yesterday!
I looked fairly decent too!
AHAH..
How often do you hear that come out of my mouth??
WOOPWOOP.
Things are good.

*sighs*

I've written my list.
I will admit, I cried, I also got angry, and I also missed him for the first time.
What does this mean?


It feels like someone is ripping me at the seams, laughing and pouring lemon juice into my wounds. Never did I think I'd feel like this, but I know something needs to change... I need to be happy, but how can I be certain this is what will make my life easier or happier..?


Someone please tell me what to do.
Thanks.

Exhibtion Day!

The exhibit went really well, better than expected actually.. the only bad thing was they bastard health and safety men! I hate them. But hey I was blocking the fire escape, but to be fair WHO THE HELL DOESN'T LOOK WHERE THEY ARE WALKING! Retarded really, especially as we were manning the exhibit at all times..
It went well none the less!

Apart from that I've been thinking of nan, missing her more than ever... I can't really express it, but I know she's with me. It seems so silly, but I feel like she's helping me with this course, and my life right now, along with Aaron. They are my rocks. I've really needed them at the moment, seeing as most people around me are not very helpful...

Damn this life.
Sometimes it feels like I'm being torn at the seams....

Tomorrow.

Is one day I forgot was coming.
After listening to a very depressing song I can't help but think about it.

I miss my nan, and even though tomorrow is two years since she passed it still feels like yesterday we lost her. I cannot explain how much it hurts to remember, and I can't explain how hard it is going to be tomorrow.

2008 was so unbelievably messed up, and 2010 is getting closer and closer to being the same. I cannot express how much I am starting to hate this year, and I wish it was over so I could start again!

That's it.

I've had enough of you and I can't take it anymore.
Every single little flaw is showing up on you like a rash, I cannot ignore it anymore! I know that somewhere inside you are my everything, but for now you need to leave me alone.. I can't do this everyday, I can't be this person, for one thing it's not fair on the people around me and also... it's not fair on me!

I thought I would get over this feeling, but it is only getting worse with time.
Someone help me please.
My light is fading, and I don't want to loose it.
I'm not who I was 4 months ago, and I want her back.

I recieved a letter.

and it made me cry.

I can't help but think somewhere along the line I played my cards wrong, how can so much happen to one person in a year, not even 6 months! As things develop I'm starting to crumble. It is only now that I can see how weak I really am, and God only knows how I'll deal with everything. If only I were stronger, and knew the right words to say, maybe then things wouldn't be so messed up!
I haven't really told anyone the truth about how I'm really feeling, and maybe there are no words to describe it, but I know for sure it's getting the best of me, and it's starting to show. Some things have got to change, but knowing where to start is proving difficult to be honest, especially as I haven't got many people to turn to... Or the person I want to turn to is busy,, making herself better, now.. I don't want to sound selfish, but I need her.. I can't do this without her, it brings me to tears to know I am coping so badly... I really should just act my age, grow up and be there for her, help her be strong, I now she's going through so much right now.. I'm scared for her.. God I don't know where to start anymore..


?

Silence.

This is the best way to get my feelings across.
I no longer know how to get these things out...
It's come too far, I know it.. I am really unure of whether I'll be able to go back now, is it even worth the fight?



Help.

First week over! :)

I'm pretty pleased to be honest.
Everything is going well..
Although not too happy that I don't have a plan about my studio work..
I'll get there.
No point putting a downer on the first week!!

Frieze Fair tomorrow.. 9o'clock start = LAME!
Ahh well home home home afterwards! :)
I get to see the smelly Taylor household.
Actually quite excited!

Today I

sat in the cafe, reading 'Love Letters of Great Men' whilst drinking a large mocha, I felt so at home and peaceful there. It was really nice to just have half an hour to myself.
The letters within the book are beautiful, and they are restoring some faith in humanity for me, there is a part of the introduction that is almost exactly how I feel about society today:

'The commonly held views these days is that people don't write love letters anymore, and that email and text messaging are death to romance. And it does seem unlikely that even the most impassioned lover would today claim, as the playwright Congreve does, that 'nothing but you can lay hold of my mind, and that can lay hold of nothing but you'; then again, Congreve was a literary genius.' - Ursula Doyle.

This book is truly beautiful in so many ways, and as I read the pages, my heart smiles, just because the words are truly heartfelt. Anyway, enough of the soppy romance..


I'm very happy today, which is nice.♥

I'm in the library.

It's Tuesday, I have no lectures or anything till Thursday, which is nice as I can get on with drawing my skull for the first studio day back, I'm thinking pencil, fine liner and chalk? Who knows.. but I want it to look good! :) The project outline is:

Bring in:
(Made or found)
1 Image.
2 Objects.
3 Lines of text.

I'm half way there, I'm only having trouble with the objects, which is annoying.
On a lighter note..
I am very happy right now, being back in Reading is lovely, my housemates are awesome, and I'm not missing anyone from home.. Well actually my sister, but I wouldn't tell her that! :) I'm still worried about dad, but I'm sure he is old enough and ugly enough to cope, and I'm sure it will be good for him to get on and exercise! I'm sure when I go home after the art fair on Saturday everyone will have returned to a Steph-less environment, which is okay. Reading is my home now, and I couldn't be happier, I've really needed to come back here, things are so much more relaxed and I think this year will be a good one!

In conclusion...
BRING IT ON!

Back to uni today.

So no internet/farmville/facebook for Steph.

Which is good, it means I'll have more time to draw, and work on what I'll do for my project this term/year. I'm getting really nervous as I know this year is graded towards part of the final year, no pressure hey..
Gahhh! I am so worried.

Right chill.
I've got my first project, and I'm going to get to work on it tonight...
I'm motivated and I CAN DO THIS.

... Sounds so much more convincing written down, if only I believed in myself!
Give me strength?

If only

I could write some clever line to say to you,
just so you would feel a little more for me.
I'm sure we'd be on top of the world if we were together.

Well screw you then.

I don't need this, why am I doing this again!?!
You are meant to be here for me right now, but no, you're out doing your own thing, yes I can accept you have your own life, and yes I know I'm not that important, but come on! No-one really deserves this, no-one needs to feel like this at all! You've been treating me like this for a while, and I think I need to give up on you, please prove me wrong.. soon.
I don't want to loose this.
It was beautiful before.


Prove me wrong, show me you care?
Please.

I would do anything

for another minute with you,
because it's not getting easier..

I couldn't find a lamp!

Damn it.
I wanted to get a few bits to make room a little more homely, but there wasn't really anything I felt did the job. There were a few bits I think I'll go back and pick up another day, but I need a few more pennies to do so!
Bad times.

Anyway, I've been having the strangest of days, it started well, got worse, then better and so on... I can't really explain it very well.
A few things occurred to me, but until I've figured things out properly I won't blog about it, unless I feel I can describe it well enough.







I need you, but you just don't know it.♥

I'm off to

buy shiney new things for my house.
Like a lamp, and homey things :)
I'll report back later x

Today you

made me feel like the crap on the bottom of your shoe.
Thanks.


& FYI... It hurts.

I can't keep

doing this.
Leave me alone now, it's too much.

It's nine minutes past two.

And I can't sleep.
This is getting boring, every night the same.
Can't eat, drink or sleep.

Maybe I've lost a little more of my light than I'd thought. Something is missing from me, and it's causing some problems. I know that I've got so much around me to be happy for, and I am grateful, truly I am, but something inside is telling me, this isn't where I thought I'd be. Is this what I want?
Change.
A small word.
A small word that causes such upheaval in life.
Is that what I need to fill this void I'm feeling? Is there something, something more than this. However emo or lame this makes me sound, I don't honestly care, because I need help, I need someone to bring back my smile, my light, the feeling that I'm worth something to someone.
I just need something small.
A letter? A post-it note? A lyric?
Someone tell me that I'm doing the right things with my life, that I do mean something, that all this crap I'm facing is or will be worth something in the end. I know full well that life is hard and full of challenges, but at the end of the day... I need someone to be there, and right now it doesn't feel like I do, everyone is going through something, I don't want to stand in their way. A friend of mine has helped a fair bit recently, but he's in a band, he's also a solo artist so he has his own life to deal with... I feel almost like I'm clinging to him because for one moment while I talk to him, he makes me feel happier, I smile when we chat. I know this sounds like some soppy crush from a bad chick flick, but really it isn't - I have a boyfriend, and we're happy. So today I told him (the friend) that I'm not going to talk to him via facebook etc, I'll leave it till a gig, it's for the best I think, no one needs this, I wouldn't put it upon anyone to deal with me right now.
I have to sort this out.
I need to find myself.
Somewhere, somehow.. I lost my passion for things.





Essay over, emo much? Gah!

....

That was the day..

that all of my thoughts died.

As we drove home,

from a pretty amazing day - it must be said. All I could think about was you, and whether or not I'll be seeing you this weekend before I go back to university?

I've had an awesome day, meeting my new housemates, seeing Gabby and John as we watched the first comedy night of the year. I felt so relieved to be back there, even though I'm dreading the new year at Reading, there is also a part of me that couldn't be happier.
My Room is pretty cool, big and roomy. It needs a homey touch here and there, but it'll get sorted.










The memories are still etched upon my soul....
And they just won't let me go, so easily.

All the stars were out tonight.

It was like they were shining for you.
I wished upon every single one of them.
All I could think about was how beautiful you really are to me.
Just like those stars.


I've been reading poetry (yes okay, online. But at least I'm making the effort, I'm unsure of what books to buy), I've been learning new words, all in the hope that maybe I'll get a bit smarter. So far so good. I've really enjoyed it actually, words can be so beautiful, but I must say - I feel that romance is lost. However old I may sound with this next comment, it does seem that today's generation doesn't grasp the idea of true love, expressing feelings through poetry, music or even art. I long to be proven wrong, as I'd like to hope that one day someone can show me that love, like it's shown in the movies, and I mean the classic films, still exists.
I think if that ever happened, my faith would be restored in humanity.






I'm not trying to impress you, I just want you to know who I am. ♥

Today I

wrote you a love letter.
I doubt you'll ever get it.
Maybe if things were different, maybe if I knew where I was right now.

You told me that if things weren't how I wanted them to be - end it - sort the troubles out, but I'm struggling to figure out what that means. Its so hard to understand out where I should be at this stage, has it gone too far? Can another path be taken? Will I ever have the knowledge to determine how I feel, or understand what this all means? I must have gone this far for a reason, but it seems that no one is capable of explaining it to me how or why.
It's getting harder.

If only I knew what this feeling is.
Panic? Fear? Love?
Gosh, why is it so hard to label emotion.
When do you know to make the right decision?

Far too many unanswered questions, I can't seem to find myself in any of them.





'please, give me something,
because someday I might know my heart'

....

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.
- George Bernard Shaw


I couldn't have put it better myself.





You do not know how amazing you are to me.

Pinch punch.

- first of the month.


I have got a strange sort of feeling about October, so much is going on within it that it could either be a good or bad month. Stupidly I'm putting my money on good, as I get a semi new start at things; art, social life and being independent etc, but I need to weigh up whether the old aspects of my life need changing. I found this quote on a friends face book.. It's pretty true actually, I think more people need to live to it:

'Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets, so love the people who treat you right and forget the ones that don't and believe that everything happens for a reason. If you get a chance, take it. If it changes your life, let it. Nobody said it would be easy, they just said it would be worth it.'
- Anonymous.




watch me fall for you...

Wishlist me thinks.

Great men.
Why can I not find one so great that he writes to me, much like the men in this book did to some very lucky women. Is it to much to ask? Do I mean so little?



Then go ahead.. Prove me wrong?

suddenly.

I can't breathe.


I've just realised my course starts in 11 days, I haven't got any ideas for the studio work I want to do this year - NONE. After picking up my new timetable online, and seeing studio days are Thursdays still.. It's nice to know I have the beginning of the week to ponder my ideas, but I'm panicking right now. My chest is doing that thing where it feels so tight I can't breathe, and I know at any moment I'll cry and who knows when it'll stop. I've got to try and focus on the positives.. So far all I've got are these:

- I've got a few ideas for exhibitions.
- I have been reading the textbooks..
- I've paid my rent for next month...

God I don't know.
Maybe this is stupid.
I'm dreading going back, knowing that I'll be the one student in my group struggling again, fighting not to fail. PLEASE PLEASE don't let me score low in the first assessment, that would suck! I think I need to get out and go for a walk.


Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit!!!

I want one of these..

Please. They are so cute, I saw an article in the newspaper about them, and fell in love with them. I'd like to get one, and let it run around my room and garden, trotting around in puddles and mud. They make me smile.

On another note, things are looking up.
Every cloud and all that!

♥

don't let their words
mark the weakness in your heart.

Lazy lazt girl.

There are countless blogs in which I write about how I've been drawing, and that I'll be posting pictures, I've lied (half lied). TI haven't uploaded a single image this summer, and as of tomorrow that will change, now, I may have only done a few drawings (I'll upload them none the less), but that will change too! I am so disappointed in myself, and my creativity, so much so that I will be doing my best to utilise the next and last two weeks of my holiday to make myself draw/paint/anything!



Oh.. and things are looking up..
Will this next year turn out to be okay?




'Paint all your sorrows for me to sing,
heartkiller
Draw your pain and hear me hum it out.'

:[

I've decided that I don't want to care.
You piss me off, I can't bare to look at you.
You've ruined my summer, my plans and how the beginning of my second year will start.


Thanks.

Yes please.

I think that I may be blowing the last of my birthday money on this camera, and a few packets of film to go with it. We'll see what the mother says.. but to be honest I think I'm going to do it anyway - as I've wanted a Polaroid camera for a good few years now.



:D

Silence seems to be all I have.

'I'm in love with you,
and it's crushing my heart.
All I want is you,
to take me into your arms.'





I'll never say it.

Just LOL.

Whilst browsing my friends facebook, I found she'd posted a link to a site which has some rather witty lines on it..
(www.dearblankpleaseblank.com)

'Dear Fat Chicks,

Please realize when guys say they like girls with curves, that does NOT mean they are accepting of the curves on your double chin and multiple abdomen rolls.. Scarlet Johanssen has "curves." You're just plain ol' FAT.

Sincerely, Can I Interest You In a Treadmill.'

Now, I know I most likely shouldn't laugh, but I cannot help it! There are some very clever comments on the site, and some make me laugh so hard that I cry a little, not that one however as that would be very mean of me, alas it was enough for a little chuckle! I'll leave you with my favourite...

'Dear Buffy,

We have a new assignment for you. His name is Edward.

Sincerely, K.'

gender?

I've become quite obsessed by the idea of drag, and as I watched come dine with me yesterday evening, I witnessed a transvestite man refer to himself as a 'Gender Bender.' Something that a first I found quite shocking, but have now come to find it quite hilarious.
It has given me an idea for some artworks that I'd like to do, based on the idea of 'drag' and how we portray gender, it is a subject I've covered in essays and in lectures, and I'm very interested in seeing what comes from this Idea, so as of tonight, I'll drawing, sketching and writing notes on it.


I'll keep you posted.

Rah Rah Rah!

Can I take you back?

I'm not sure what you're expecting of me now, I scare easily; and what you've done had shocked me to the point of not being able to look at your photograph. Supportive friends have told me I'm doing the right thing in staying away, and yet I think of you all the time.. Am I making a mistake in wanting to run back into your arms? Should I take the advice I've been given and leave?
I don't know what to do now!

This past week has been such a roller coster ride, in and out of hospital to see dad, witnessing major arguments, trying to brave work and putting on a brave face for friends and my family. I can't deal with you and them at this time! Is that so selfish of me? I don't know where to put myself right now, maybe I'll just curl up in my bed and watch Disney films.

(Anyway) on a lighter note, I've lost another pound and a half in weight making my total loss 4lbs! :) I'm hoping that I'll continue to loose weight till I get to at least my 10% goal. Oh, and currently I'm watching 'Flushed Away' I do love this film, it's keeping me relatively happy.

:(

There are so many questions I fear will never be answered in my lifetime.

People often say 'things in life are sent to test you,' and to be honest, that statement has never really meant much to me - until recently. There is a long list if events that I could real off on this site, boring you to your wits end, but I'll desist.

It is truly unbelievable how much people will go through in such a short span of their life time, and those few people that are strong enough to deal inspire me. As for the few that can't, such as myself (who is currently battling with a struggle to keep myself together) during harder days, I sympathise completely.

It is selfish of me to ask why this is happening to me, as there ARE people MUCH MUCH worse of than me, but I ask this:
Why then is it that I have been tested in so many ways this past week and a half?
Why do my family constantly seem to be struggling to get by?
When will we be receiving some good fortune?

I'll end this here, otherwise I fear I'll rant on, getting more and more upset, but I will ask that God, Allah, whoever is watching over the human race, please watch over my dad, keep him strong. Also give my family and myself the strength to help him, and ourselves to cope and move on from recent events. I may not be as religious as I once was, but I need your help now, more so than ever.

Please..

Lyrics do this better than I ever could.

I don't care if it hurts,
I want to have control,
I want a perfect body,
I want a perfect soul.

I want you to notice,
When I'm not around.
You're so f*cking special,
I wish I was special.

♥♥

fuck.

fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
fuck
Why the HELL does this always happen just as things are going well??? I really hate this world, and God or who ever is fucking about with the people can FUCK THE HELL OFF!

good times.

I had my weigh in today...
I've lost 2 and a half pounds.


Not much but a start! :)
Woop.

blahblahblah.

I know I'd posted that I'd put my before picture here of my eventual weight loss.. but I'm not 100% happy with doing so. I'd like to put it on here with an after photo, I think that would make me much happier, I have however, put a copy of it in my weight watchers booklet - just to keep me motivated.
Along with loosing weight comes the task of doing more exercise, and I am yet to make this a bigger part of my life, so starting today I am going out for at least an hour walk, and maybe later a jog. I'd like to say that I'll go for a jog when I wake up in the mornings, but I highly doubt I will.
This IS something about myself I am going to work on changing, because I often rant on about people that moan about their size and sit and do nothing about it, and it's quite hypocritical of me.

On another note, over the next week I intend to draw/paint/sketch till the cows come home! I've printed out my references to draw from and now I'm going to make a start, so soon I'll post some images up on here so you can see..

Off to draw..
I'll blag again later..

measuring tape please...

My measurements (in inches) are as follows:
Bust: 40 FAT
Waist: 32.5 FAT
Hips: 40.3 FAT
Arm: 12.6 FAT
Thigh: 23.2 FAT
Calf: 14.5 FAT


I'm starting to see how much food I ate before, especially now my food is restricted. I'm understanding that you don't need food, and sometimes I'm not even hungry I'm just thirsty! It's all coming together nicely...
Only time will tell.

Week 1.

The meeting this morning wasn't too bad actually, I must admit that I'm not happy she told people my weight, or openly spoke about it, although I guess that's something I'll just have to face with going to meetings.
Anyway...
I'll post measurements and my before photo this evening.





*Do you know who you are?
You're my shooting star..*

And so...

tomorrow it begins.

I'm off to weightwatchers tomorrow morning.. I will be transforming my self into a happier and healthier person, so from this:



To something more along the lines of this:


Tomorrow I shall blog the exact analysis of my weight and body problems so that I can log how well I'm doing, hopefully by Christmas I will be happier and down a clothes size.. we shall see!

i've noticed...

how different we are.....
We are worlds apart.


I'm sure this will become apparent to you soon enough, and I'll be there to say I told you so. It won't be nice at all, but when it happens, we'll both be at peace. It's a shame, we've been so great together, and it will truly ruin me, but it'll be for the best I'm sure.


"Let the pleasure in the shape of a heart lie to me
And finally confirm all fears to be so real."

Today..

a large balloon arrived for me in the post.
Reminding me that tomorrow, I'll be 20.
Not impressed, it's come around so quickly.
-> Maybe if I just sleep all day I won't get any older??




Gah! Any way, I'm off to wycombe in a little while, with the boyfriend! :D
I'm looking to buy a skirt, a black top and a skull scarf.

Jelous much?

She's so pretty, so creative, so talented....
Gahhh this isn't fair, I have to work so f*cking hard to be good at half the things she is! :(

It's August.

Gosh, this year is going by so quickly.

York was lovely most of the time, although I am glad to be home with my sister. I did miss her an awful lot, I don't think she knows... It was a week spent with Joe's family which isn't a problem normally, I just feel slightly distant from them - out of place maybe?? I can't really explain it without sounding rude or making no sense at all...

Currently:-> I'm sat in my room listening to Dommin, which I've missed!
-> I've paid this months rent, just waiting for the other student documents to be done! Although it's not me who's behind... It's really stressing me!
-> My scaffolding piercing has flared up, and maybe become infected.. JOY! I'm not impressed and I am caring for it 24-7.
-> I've got to step up on my drawing and painting! My skills are lacking...



P.s: It's my birthday on Wednesday, I'll be 20. I'm not really looking forward to it, but still. Oh! I'm now working that day as well..

Yorkyorkyork.

I'm going on holiday tomorrow...
Not 100% excited to be honest, but I'm working on it. I've never been and I don't know what to expect, maybe some sheep and fields??? Gahhh! I'm pretty tired.




G'night.

Morph.

I've been playing with the delights of morphthing.com and the idea came to me to morph my face with the genius Albert Einstein. I personally hope that I look this good when I reach 70/80 years old!

So far...

The drawing is going really well, but I need to stop relying on tracing the outlines, I'm going do work on my free hand sketching. Starting with... a portrait of Ville Valo, hopefully I'll do a good job.

Wish me luck.

Today I fell in love...

This is exact journal that I have been looking for, I've been searching for ages for a book like this that I can put images, drawings and things in. But the stupid thing is that I had no money to buy it, but I have found it only for a few pounds cheaper! Anyway, I'm off to draw... bye.

I may have just

killed myself.


I wrote earlier in a status that I'd spend my summer (as of tomorrow) drawing/sketching/doodling/painting, I will get myself to Beaconsfield tomorrow and buy myself new sketch books so I can start. I will get busy doing my art, I love art and I personally don't feel that I'm giving it enough attention, so as of tomorrow it will be my life! I want to feel like I did about art in Alevels, I want to thrive on the work I produce, and aim to better myself, I'm itching to do so, and tomorrow I will start this new step. I'd also like to start taking photos, maybe making some sort of journal, with photos drawings etc..? I'm not quite sure, but once a week I'll post what I've been doing, just so that my progress is recorded.